Wow, was it hard to pop that disc in my computer. I was so nervous that I wouldn't like the pictures.
And honestly, I didn't.
At least not at first. I was having a rough night anyway, getting irritated at every little thing at home and not feeling very lovable. On an impulse, I decided to look my pictures. Wouldn't you know, the first image that opened made me cry.
I hated it. I hated seeing the color and shape of my bald head, my funny mouth, everything. I kept scrolling through and every picture made me go deeper and deeper into my pity pool.
I guess I had some kind of image already in my mind of what I thought I looked like the day of the shoot. And the pictures were not what I was hoping for. I was hoping I would gasp and say "Wow, I'm beautiful!".
I did gasp, but it was more of a "so THAT'S what I look like?", horrified and embarrassed kind of a gasp.
But then I found a picture I liked.
With hope, I kept scrolling through. By the end, I was happy with what I saw, more or less. So I decided to start from the beginning again and delete the ones I didn't like.
Funny thing was, the pictures looked so much better the second time around!
Some switch had been flipped in my head. Instead of being prepared to hate them, I had found beauty and was prepared to like what I saw.
So then I invited my husband in to see. And I found myself hating them again.
The pictures didn't change--only my paradigm did. With my husband in the room, I was imagining all the ways these photos didn't quite do enough for him. I was aware of the fact that he sees my bald head all the time, so it was nothing special. I saw all the flaws, freckles, and irregularities in the pictures.
Our minds are so powerful. They are filters that color and warp everything we see. I literally looked through my album three times, with three totally different perceptions of myself each time.
So I realize that I had unrealistic expectations from this shoot. I was imagining a total revelation of how beautiful my bald head really is. As it turns out, I'm still me in the pictures. I'm not a more glamorous me, I'm the me I see every day. The camera didn't hide my crooked nose, freckles, white head, or gummy smile.
But I took the step to sit and look at 150 pictures of myself bald. And I'm sharing them. This is a huge step. And I think it will lead, eventually, to me redefining my own idea of what beautiful looks like on me.
Find more photos like this on Alopecia World
Wendy these are wonderful. I love the ones by the water. I'm very glad you posted these photos.
ReplyDeleteWow. These are so great! I really love them - you look like yourself, which is really great. Your personality shines through them. I hope that makes sense. Gorgeous!
ReplyDeleteand these words everyone speaks are true and from the heart - - don't think we are only saying these things to make you feel better. I hear what you're saying about looking the first time & not liking, but remember those pic's I took many years ago? I did the same thing... I'd look and say "Oh, that's what I look like - not as good as I'd hoped." We are always our harshest critic. You are a blessed woman - beauty inside & out. Many people aren't.... and I thank God for the woman my little girl has become.
ReplyDeletewow, you are so wonderful. I quite understand your feeling as you described, but you are definetly more than what you look outside. You are an excellent teacher,you are a good friend, you are warmhearted person...To be honest, all the pictures are sweet. I think that means your beauty are both inside and outside.:):):)
ReplyDeleteYou look radiant! Thanks for sharing these. They are beautiful. Love that sea green scarf.
ReplyDeleteAlissa's a dear friend of mine who also happened to shoot my and my partner's wedding. She's got a knack for capturing the beauty in ourselves that we often struggle to see. Thanks for sharing this friend. You are beautiful.
ReplyDelete