Worth 1,000 words

"You're so beautiful."

"You can really pull off the bald look."

"Bald girls are sexy."

All of these lines and more have been told to me at some point since the onset of my alopecia. You'd think by now that they would have sunk in.

The problem is, a picture is worth a thousand words. And my identity and definition of beauty have been shaped by millions of images that don't reflect the truth of the words people tell me. I don't think in words; I think in pictures.

Pictures like this:



The princess with the long, golden locks shining in the sunlight. The dashing rogue kissing her in all her feminine loveliness. Well, if that had been a bald princess, the "man in black" would probably have fallen off the tower as his hand slipped off her smooth scalp...

Or this:


The mother of all hot kissing scenes. Sadly, kissing in the rain is not sexy when you're a bald woman. If you're wearing a scarf, it turns into a sopping rag plastered on your head. You can't brush that away from a lady's face. If you're wearing a wig, you turn into a wet dog--PLUS, the netting underneath shows through. If you happen to be sans headcover in the rain, then a wet mack session would turn into a manual slip 'n' slide for your partner. Maybe that would be sexy...but it's unlikely.

Ah yes, this one:



It goes without saying that this is an impossible look for a bald woman to pull off. And a scarf or wig in the wind? Too precarious.

Countless, endless images that do not represent me, yet continue to define what I want my life to look like. When I kiss my husband, I look at us from the outside and I cringe. Can you imagine a man kissing a bald woman and it looking even remotely romantic? Probably not. That's because there are no images of that to get into our psyche.

So, I'm on a search for some new pictures. Here are a few I found:


Rosanna Savone, bald bride and author of liv.luhv.rahyt (See it and love it here).


Kylie, another beautiful bald bride (read her story here).




Stefania Ferrario, model (check out her page here).


Sandra Dubose-Gibson, Mrs. Black North Carolina 2011 (See the full story here).


The only image I could find of a man kissing a bald girl...we need to work on that.

And, finally, I will add what I can to this growing bank of images:

A bald woman and a mirror. Not usually seen together.

So--if you find anymore for me, send them to redefinelabelleza@gmail.com or post them to my Facebook page!

Farewell?

Jennifer Lopez. I have loved her ever since Selena.

But I have to admit, she's not exactly a healthy role model. I mean, she's not someone I would want my daughter to emulate.



She seems very down-to-earth in interviews, but I have to wonder about a mom in her forties who does a photo shoot like this for publicity. I really hope I'm not coming off as judgmental here--I have just realized how important it is for me to examine what or who I follow in order to have integrity as the author and promoter of this blog. I'm using her as an example, but I could just as easily be talking about Madonna. Or Cher. Or etc., etc., etc.

Performers like Jennifer Lopez are in the entertainment business. They do whatever it takes to sell records. As a listener, I fund their message. And most often, their message is that sex sells and women are valued for their sexual potential. Sex appeal is even valued over motherhood:


(http://www.lhrtimes.com/2013/01/18/jennifer-lopez-would-like-to-have-more-children-134793/)

So I am faced with a dilemma: I love to sing and dance to her music. I mean, I really love it. But, her message gets into my head and my soul through the lyrics, the beat, the dance moves, the video--it's all affecting how I see myself and define beauty, whether I want to admit it or not.

So, do I totally ban her from my playlist? Or do I listen to my favorite songs once in awhile but don't endorse the videos? Or...do I chill out and try not to overthink this?

Some days I am convinced that it's fine to listen to popular radio now and then. I tell myself I really like the beat (which I do so much that I can't drive my car straight if I have dance music on) and that the music is not a problem for me. Other days I feel slimy listening to the radio, as if my soul were twerking off in a dark, sweaty club.

The problem with trying to stay true to the message of this blog is that cultural definitions of beauty and its enmeshment with sex are so pervasive that I would have to make some radical lifestyle changes in order to make any real stand. I couldn't listen to the radio, I would have to totally clean up my Spotify playlists and find new music to clean the house to, and I definitely couldn't go to Zumba. Which would suck.

When does "just feeling good" about music and developing some confidence as a living-room-only dancer cross over into the dark territory of complicity in the world's efforts to taint true beauty and keep women in subordinate citizenship through sexual objectification and enslavement?!

Sorry J-Lo, you might have to go.

I know our culture is hostile to any message that preaches radical lifestyle change (unless it's a diet), but I really think the benefits of a strict "no sex object" diet from my entertainment intake are worth examining, at least as this blog's creator.

What do you think? Am I being a little over-the-top, or is this just what the doctor ordered for the upcoming generation?

Talent Redefined--Rodrigo y Gabriela

I'm sure many of you have heard of or seen this guitar duo. If you haven't, then you are about to be blown away by the speed of their hands. I love watching them, but sometimes I get a little pain in my wrist, as if mine were the one strumming so furiously. It's hard to watch them and not get at least a little fatigued.

I know they have gotten a lot of media play in the past couple of years, but I still think we need to see more of them. In general, I'd like to see more of people actually playing instruments to their full potential. And Rodrigo and Gabriela know how to make their guitars turn into different instruments. There's just no way to explain what happens to a guitar when it is loved so much. Enjoy.

Talent Redefined

I'm on a talent search.

Before my kids hit the tween years, I want to build up a music library full of interesting, clever, evocative, original, and beautiful pieces by truly talented songwriters and composers. I have this dream of the market shifting from trash to treasure. I want to see Gabriela Montero on the cover of a magazine at the checkout stand. Or a reality show where contestants compete to compose the most original symphony. If we, consumers of entertainment, can change the nature of our demand, then future generations have the hope of emotional and intellectual enrichment through music, rather than degeneration.

So, for the next...oh, I don't know--4 weeks or so?--I will be searching for and posting music that reflects actual talent. Not sales, not trends, not shock value--just talent. Opera, world music, jazz, rock, and even country.

Even though my sphere of influence mostly includes people who already value the above-mentioned qualities, I hope these posts are shared with young people who need exposure to something better than twerking and sick house beats. Not that house music is bad--some of it is quite innovative--but there is more to music.

First up, a bit of opera. I heard this song on the classical music station this morning in the car (you know, trying to stay clam in the morning rush). I have to admit, at first I thought the voice was a little annoying. But as my three-year-old and I kept listening, the vocal complexity became more intense. You have to admire a person who can do things with their voice that the rest of us couldn't do under torture. (Yeah, I'm not sure what that means either.)

The other thing I love about this piece is the echo of the trumpet and the duet between the voice and trumpet at various points. I'ts really beautifully arranged to sound like multiple voices.

So here it is: "Let the Bright Seraphim", from Handel's Samson. This version features Kathleen Battle, whom I am trying to learn more about, and Wynton Marsalis, a well-known jazz musician and composer. Enjoy!

Poor Miley

Okay, I have to say something about Disney Princesses.

Not these:



...these:



...and this one in particular:



I just get so sad looking at her.

Why do Disney child actors, girls in particular, "grow up" by becoming icons of sexual indulgence? They inevitably go to the extreme when it comes to proving their emergence from innocent childhood and appealing to an older audience...although I'm afraid this audience is getting younger and younger.

Growing up means so much more than opening yourself up to sexual activity. Why can't these actors and pop singers prove that they are "all grown up" by demonstrating mature decision-making and intellectual development? I get so disturbed watching the latest performances by Miley Cyrus and Selena Gomez. They are nothing but objects of the media. It's a sick kind of social slavery. They (the singers and the media) know what sells, and unfortunately this ends up perpetuating male-dominant/female-abused behaviors.

I can't place all the blame on the celebrities themselves. We, the consumers, demand the supply of racy, shocking, disturbing, and outright sick displays we see. And the agents working with the stars tell them what to do in order to sell albums and get publicity. Sadly, that's what "talent" means these days--doing whatever is necessary to keep your face in the Twittersphere. (For an even darker explanation, check out this article ("MTV VMAs 2013: It Was About Miley Cyrus Taking the Fall")--but read it critically. I don't actually buy into the specifics of what the author says in this or other works, but I do think the general trend is true.)

I know I'm not saying anything new, and I know there is a lot behind this issue that I haven't addressed. I just want to do a small part to further the counter-cultural message that we, the consumers, don't have to buy this crap. Set Miley free.

Beauty Redefined?

A couple months ago I told a friend about my blog. When I told him what it was called, he said "I don't know if you can really redefine beauty". I defended myself by saying that technically you can't, but culturally speaking we need to do away with the connotations attached to the word "beauty".

But it did get me thinking.

If you look up the word "beauty" in the Merriam Webster dictionary, it reads: "the quality or aggregate of qualities in a person or thing that gives pleasure to the senses or pleasurably exalts the mind or spirit".

So no, in that sense you cannot redefine beauty. As the adage goes, it takes a different form in the eye of every beholder.

But then you look down and see this: "a beautiful person or thing; especially : a beautiful woman". So in the dictionary, "beauty" is essentially connected to women.

If you do a Google image search for "beautiful women", which I don't recommend, you will see hundreds of light-skinned women in sexy poses with body parts bursting out of their skimpy clothes. For real. That's how beauty has been defined based on how people in society have refined the search database.

Then you add modifiers, like beautiful black women, or beautiful Asian women, and you see basically the same thing. Mostly light-skinned women in sexy poses and skimpy (or no) clothes.

It's really, really sad. It makes my heart hurt for young girls.

And when you do a search for images of beautiful men, you get lots and lots of muscled nakedness. Really gross.

Why does a search for beauty lead to sex? It's pretty horrifying that the word "beautiful" can only link to one kind of image on a Google search. Boobs on women, muscles on men. Nudity in both cases.

We need to start tagging the words "beauty" and "beautiful" onto other kinds of images so the Google landscape can change. Images like these:


(http://madamenoire.com/)


(http://oldhamproject.blogspot.com)


(http://everydayfeminism.com)


(http://www.tcdailyplanet.net/news/2010/12/12/mujeres-en-liderazgo-latina-women-learn-lead)


(http://www.itsjusthair.com)


(www.hel-looks.com)


(http://sfvault.blogspot.com)

Young, old, man, woman, flat, dirty, dark, round, stringy, kinky...it's all beautiful by definition to someone. It's all God's creation, having been called "good" by God, therefore fitting the definition of beauty.

Start tagging pictures of everyday people living life with the "beauty" label, and let's see if we can redefine beauty for a world obviously searching for it.

Time to Go on a Diyet?

A friend of mine forwarded a link to me today, and when I clicked on it I saw this:



At first, it reminded me of another image I saw on another friend's Pinterest board:


So at first I though it was a hoax--a writer using child-like penmanship in order to illustrate a point and garner some attention about an issue.

But as I read on, I became convinced it was true. A seven-year-old wrote that list. And her mom is naturally very angry at society for upholding the values we do concerning appearance and beauty, which eventually led to this little girl making such a list.

Apparently the girl heard about this "diyet" from a friend at school. Who knows how the friend heard about it. Maybe she has a big sister who reads teen magazines.

I understand the mother's frustration. I, too, am worried that I will be forced to talk about issues with my young daughter that she really shouldn't have to deal with until she's much older.

I might try to look at it another way, though. Maybe these girls are writing about "diyets" because they have read about them and they seem like important, grown-up things to emulate. Like when a kid writes a "menu" and takes your order, or "writes a check" to pay for toys in their room.

But let's say these girls are taking this seriously. This mom did exactly the right thing and talked to her daughter about the beauty of her body just the way it is. I also suggest having the friend over and doing some activities that will get counter-cultural messages across.

But the real issue here is that little girls are taking their bodies very seriously. They are learning how to put on makeup, accessorize, dance and walk in ways that make them feel grown up. Because our culture tells them that their value lies in how much attention they can get for their looks.

This mom was questioning her choice to let her daughter play with a Barbie doll. I've been there, making the choice between giving in to my daughter's wishes for pretty playthings and trying to substitute her desired object with something less damaging for her self image.

I let her have a Barbie.

Because ultimately, I think balance is key. I let her have a Barbie, but instead of a Barbie video for Christmas I got her a Veggie Tales movie about true beauty. I think it's okay for little girls to learn from an early age how to take their of their bodies. I think it's okay for them to be affirmed in their desire for "prettiness". The problem comes when we limit the idea of "prettiness" to a Barbie doll or Disney princess. Another problem comes when we indulge them in their desire to grow up too fast. We womanize and sexualize our little girls because we think it's so cute that they look like little ladies.

Look at this swimsuit from Target:


It starts at size 4. Some moms probably think their 4-year-olds look darling in this little mini bikini. Let's face it, a woman's body is very pleasing to look at. Fine. But is the idea of a woman's body so alluring that we must project it onto little girls?

I haven't even addressed the issue of sports, dance, gymnastics and pageants for little girls. Again, balance is key. We as a society tend to keep pushing the envelope--maybe part of our "westward expansion" mentality. We could stand to sit back and let things be.

I'd love your reactions and thoughts.

30 Days of Redefining Beauty-Day 13

Today the beauty I want to share about is something I have not actually experienced yet. I'm hoping to get there soon--maybe you can help.

When you think of a beautiful woman on a beach, what do you see in your mind? This:
?

Or maybe this:
?

Almost certainly, you would not see anyone looking like this:



Long hair is critical to the image of a beautiful woman on the beach, isn't it?!

We tend to think in "types", or at least I do. The stages in my mind are set, and only characters who fit the description will be given parts. When I imagine what characters in my novels look like, my images are greatly influenced by the descriptions of the settings those characters are in. I might picture a cute blond with short, spiky hair if the scene I meet her in is a nightclub. If a woman is on horseback in the scene, then she has to have long hair billowing out behind her.

I guess these images must come from movies or book illustrations I was inundated with growing up. No matter--they're there, and they have so twisted my self image now, as a bald woman, that I have actually kept myself from doing things I know I would love because my "image" doesn't fit the scene in my mind. I will probably never allow my husband to dance with me if I am not wearing a wig or a long scarf I really feel feminine in. In my mind, a dancing couple is made up of a woman with hair falling down her back and a slightly taller man with his hand at the small of her back and his face half-buried in her hair, taking in her scent and her softness.



Well, I'm tired of defining myself by my so-called deficiency. I'm tired of saying "You can't walk on a beach/ride a horse/dance unless you have hair (i.e. "look like a woman").

The beauty I write about tonight is the beauty of re-imagining myself as a character in the scenes I have set in my mind. Here are a few shots of women in "scenes" I would never have imagined this way:










I hope I can see myself enjoying any opportunity life brings my way without worrying whether I'm what the director is looking for. I am the director of my own life, after all.