30 Days of Redefining Beauty-Day 8

I can't believe it's only Day 8 of this silly experiment. After a week of trying to find beauty in unexpected places I am already feeling tapped out, like anything I might say from here on in will be redundant. I suddenly feel that these posts have been irrelevant and time-consuming, nothing more. I could write about the changing sky today, or the storefront windows full of color I saw earlier. But those sentiments seem trite.

Instead I will write about how difficult it is to keep this blog going. I don't even know who reads this. Does it matter?

And yet...I keep typing. Today the beauty I see is in my commitments. I physically recoil at the thought of being obligated to do anything, but I also can't say "no". So I keep blogging, or I stay somewhere when there are a dozen other places I would rather be, and grumble. But I stay. (Most of the time.)

I think that's beautiful. Isn't there a parable in the Bible about how it's better to initially say you won't do something and then do it later, rather than say you will do it and end up dropping the ball?

Well, I have dropped the ball, MANY times. I'm beginning to learn, though, that following through with your commitments is a sign of maturity and integrity, two qualities I have longed to possess all my life. Sticking with something you said you would do is kind of a lost art these days. It's so easy to get out of relationships, delegate, outsource, and claim "self-care" as a method of avoidance. And those things are not always bad. But I do think that follow-through is one of those character-building values that doesn't have an immediate payoff--and thus goes against the grain of so much in our culture.

I will stick with it, most likely grumbling all the way, as long "it" is leading me toward wholeness and not annihilation.

30 Days of Redefining Beauty-Day 7

I work in a tutoring center on Wednesdays, and with no patrons at my station today I was able to listen in on the other study sessions. It was amazing. I heard words like "ionic bonding" and "differentials" spoken in the same way I would speak of my laundry; that is, familiar and personal. I was so impressed--and I wanted more than anything to be "on the inside", fluent in the languages they were speaking.

I suppose my line of work has its own jargon, the use of which puts me "on the inside". Words like "communicative approach", "competencies" and "voiceless alveolar stop" are a few that come to mind. I guess what I'm saying is it's a beautiful thing to know what you're talking about.

So I started wondering about areas of my life where I have inadequate vocabulary. There are feelings I experience but have no name for. There are attributes of God I can't describe in a single word. Actually, for an English teacher and a student of linguistics I have a pitifully small lexicon.

Maybe I will get the Merriam-Webster app on my phone so I can learn one new word everyday. Until then, I hope I can stay thirsty for language as a way to both express and experience beauty.

30 Days of Redefining Beauty-Day 6

While chatting with a friend today, I realized that I still get hung up on my flaws. I want to be flawless, and I think that I can't be loved if my flaws show.

Well, today I will attempt to see and describe the beauty in my flaws. I'll spare you, dear readers, by just sharing one.

I am horribly impatient. I feel like I want to jump out of my skin any time I have to wait for something. Most people don't know that about me--just my family, who bear the brunt of my impatience in the form of yelling, prodding, irritation and general meanness.

How in the world could this be beautiful? (This is going to be a stretch...)

1. I am not a lifeless blob. I am full of atomic energy.

2.

Well, that's as far as I can get tonight. Nothing else is coming to me. But hey, it's a start, right? For someone as steeped in self-judgment as I am, seeing even a little beauty in a major flaw is big news.

I challenge you to examine your flaws and appreciate them as distinct marks of humanity. Which just inspired me...

2. My impatience allows God to more fully and wonderfully demonstrate his peace and unhurried love.

Beautiful.

30 Days of Redefining Beauty-Day 5

It was so easy to see beauty today: in the rain, in my students, in the book I'm reading--everywhere. So I decided to challenge myself and look for beauty in places where I usually only see brokenness. I decided to look for beauty during my time with my kids after school. Sadly, our afternoons together are usually marked by stress, fighting, and struggle rather than joy and beauty. But today I made an effort to see good in my kids and in myself as we interacted.

And I found beauty in something that I tried today but have never been very good at: letting go. I was supposed to take my kids to their after-school park district activities today, but I didn't feel like battling my way through city traffic to get there late and leave early to rush to the other kid's site...so I blew it all off. I brought my kids home instead and made a plan that involved some early rounds of basketball (before the neighbors downstairs got home), some play-doh, and generous snacks. And it worked! My kids were delightful. I wasn't tense as my son did layups on the hardwood floor; I didn't once regret not taking them out to their sports activities; and I realized that not following the original schedule might actually serve us better at times. My kids are active and need activities, especially in the winter, but they also need the routine of coming home and being free to be themselves in a safe space.

I'm not saying I didn't experience any stress today, and this evening was certainly a test of my patience, but this afternoon was a lesson in learning to let go of my need to do everything I had planned to do and put the kids' "needs" first always. Today I tried to merge my needs with my kids' needs, and we made it work beautifully.

When was the last time you changed your plans or adjusted your schedule on a whim? How'd it go?

30 Days of Redefining Beauty: Day 4

Today I was struck by the beauty of what can happen when you open yourself up to people. A new friend spontaneously asked if she could hang out with me and my kids this afternoon, even though we haven't known each other very long. I was so glad she asked! We had a great time getting to know each other better.

Later this evening I met a great group of people from an organization called Traffick Free, as my husband was hosting a meeting in our home (which is why I was out for awhile with my kids and my new friend). After being at church this morning, attending a baby shower after church, getting to know a new friend this afternoon, and then meeting new people in my house tonight, you would think I would be exhausted right now.

The old me would have been. I used to see social encounters as barriers to my own free time. I dreaded going out; parties drained me. But now I get so refreshed and energized by being in community, whether new or familiar, that I would seriously consider communal living. I'm not kidding. There is something so freeing about learning how to be myself around people, even people I am meeting for the first time, and expecting that I will enjoy their company...and that they will enjoy mine. I never used to believe I had it in me to be social. But I see myself as part of the group now, whereas I used to be a wallflower.

What about you--are you drained or refreshed by social activity? Do you see community as a beautiful, organic thing, or simply a necessary part of living in this world?

30 Days of Redefining Beauty: Day 3

Today's beautiful moment came as a revelation. I went to Zumba today, and I was feeling a bit uncoordinated. There were a lot of new moves and the instructor is an impossibly good dancer. We all pale in comparison. One woman in particular was making me chuckle. Her arms were flailing so spasmodically; I admit that I looked at her whenever I needed to feel better about my own attempt to recreate my instructor's moves (who, by the way, looks like Jennifer Lopez).

Speaking of J-Lo, when I got home I wanted to find a song by her that we danced to in class. I found the video on YouTube and was soon sinking lower in my chair as I watched her looking absolutely perfect, wishing I could just be her for one day. I can't believe I'm admitting this: after all this time writing about how to redefine beauty, I still want to look like Jennifer Lopez.

But as I watched the video, the absurdity of the life it portrays hit me. I could just see the hours she must have spent in hair, makeup and wardrobe. I laughed at the depiction of rich young rappers sitting by a pool with half-naked women lounging around all over the place.

And here's where the revelation occurred: I realized I would rather be in a room full of housewives and moms, flailing their arms and laughing at how they couldn't keep up with the mambo steps, then having to do twenty takes of the same hip roll until it looked sexy enough. I would rather be comfortable in my lounge pants than have to parade around in skinny jeans because I was expected to. Sexiness all of a sudden feels like a lot of work, and I have decided I really like the freedom to look how I look!

It was a beautiful revelation.

Have you had any revelations today?

30 Days of Redefining Beauty: Day 2

Today I had so many moments of beauty that I wondered how I would choose one to write about. Then came another stressful evening and I find myself needing to write about all of them.

The first happened this morning as I set off for an errand in my car. I turned on NPR, but instead of talk I found myself listening to a lovely little track that so perfectly fit my mood at the moment.

Then, I went to a nonprofit organization with a friend today. It's not quite in my neighborhood, but close enough that I know the area pretty well. This agency serves those in poverty, equipping them with skills they need to gain employment. While there, I saw a bone thin man with stringy hair shuffling around--and I knew his face. I've seen him on the train before. It hit me then that I really am getting to know my community. I was struck by my interconnectedness to other people.

Finally, tonight I had to drive into the city for a high school basketball game. I didn't want to, because I thought I would be stuck in traffic for too long with hungry, screaming kids in the back. But the road was clear, and the city was beautiful tonight. I was reminded how much I love getting out and seeing the night lights.

So, how about you? When was the last time you felt the interconnection between you, your fellow human, and the place where you live?

30 Days of Redefining Beauty: Day 1

Two recent thoughts have inspired this new project. One occurred yesterday as I was thinking about my status report on Facebook. I was going to report that I had a nice day, but I stopped myself because, to be perfectly honest, I can get more attention if I write about my troubles. I thought, how sad that I prefer to define myself as a victim, dragging others into my darkness just so I will be pursued. Where did I get the idea that beauty was not as interesting as pain?

The second was gifted to me during a session of spiritual direction that I attended today. This particular spiritual director, who is also a trusted friend, helped me see that the ways I have traditionally tried to care for myself and "rest" often have the opposite effect, leaving me drained and far from refreshed. Instead of seeking "rest", I might be better off asking "What will lead me closer to wholeness?" After all, there are activities that may sound exhausting beforehand but may actually fulfill and revive my soul once I dive in.

After contemplating my life recently and unpacking these two thought experiences that occurred within a day of each other, I have come to the conclusion that I need a new way of looking at my life and living in it. I'm tired of seeking beauty in places that look promising but turn out to be traps. And I'm tired of wallowing in the negative all for the sake of attention and affirmation.

So, to the project: For the next thirty days, I will write one post per day in which I describe something beautiful about my day. My hope is that I will set myself on the road to optimism by forcing myself to find beauty in unexpected places--and to take it in as a gift more valuable than mere drama.

I hope you will join me. Please feel free to add your beautiful moments in the Comments box each day.

TODAY: I volunteered in my daughter's first grade classroom for an hour this morning. I have not been looking forward to this, because it totally broke up my day and I was afraid I would feel like I hadn't gotten an adequate break from being a mom during the day, leading to a tense afternoon and evening.

The beautiful part is that I really enjoyed getting to know the kids in my daughter's class and watching her interact there. I saw her relative to other kids and realized that many of my fears about her socialization process have been founded on assumptions. I began to understand her teacher a little better--a woman I had previously judged to be much less personable than she actually is.

The lesson from today, I guess, is that I need to reserve judgement until I have seen "with mine own eyes". A simple truth that was illustrated beautifully for me today in a room with 28 six- and seven-year-olds.

Why Do I Facebook?

A friend on Facebook recently posed this question in her status, and it really got me thinking...

My Facebook page is a contradiction to anyone paying attention. The pictures show smiling kids, romantic bouquets of flowers, peaceful sunsets, and other beautiful images that I'm sure make anyone outside of my family and close circle of friends gag.

But my status reports often hint at the fact that I am stressed out, restless, discontent, and insecure.

So what's the truth?

Well, Facebook is not exactly where people go to find truth, is it? You can't know someone by their Facebook page. And yet, that's my basis for connection with most people I know, unless I see them regularly face to face.

People reading my Facebook page might imagine that I have nothing but free time--enough time to take, edit and post several pictures on Instagram everyday. They might also think I am the kind of person who knows how to appreciate beauty and is living the good life. They might think I have the perfect family but have to post that I'm stressed out once in awhile so people don't get jealous.

The truth is, Facebook has become the tool by which I process fleeting moments of experience. I have a feeling, and I post something to see how my feeling looks and sounds in a world where others will interact with it. Facebook doesn't begin to represent who I am or what my life is like, but it does provide a pretty accurate timeline of the moods I go through.

And more than anything, I want to be understood. I want to be known and loved for being uniquely me. So I post representations of my moods in the hopes that people will find them lovely.

Sad? Maybe. But at the end of the day I'm grateful for finding this outlet that fits my schedule and short attention span (and doesn't require any artistic talent).

So...why do YOU Facebook?

Transformations

I have been obsessed with aging. I see every new wrinkle as it comes in. I sit and think about what my bald head will look like when I'm 70 years old. And, lately, I have been trying out these photo-aging programs online.

Here's a fun one: The St. Andrews Face Transformer.
Totally hilarious. Not only can I see myself as I might appear years from now, I can also see myself as a West Asian, a half-chimp, or even a man!

Here is the photo I used as the control:

Here's me as an "older adult":

Afro-Caribbean me:

Get ready to be freaked out--here I am as a man in drag:

It's a fine line, right?! (Some of you will never be able to look at me the same way again...)


Okay, so getting really brave I tried it with this photo:

Sadly, the transformer didn't know what to do with my bald head. But I'm still pretty happy with the results...

Older me:

East Asian me:

Monkey me:

Try the site out--it's a hoot! And it will make you appreciate your own fine features that much more when you're done. :)