Stripping Away

The year I lost my hair was a year of stripping away. Those were the words that kept bouncing around in my brain that year. I felt like I was being stripped down, laid bare of everything that might falsely promise a sense of identity-in-beauty. Not only did I lose my hair, but that same year I lost the diamond ring my husband had proposed with. It quietly slipped off my hand one winter night, when my fingers were shrunken down from the cold. I suppose my fingers were also thin because I was newly diagnosed with gluten intolerance. So I was losing weight, losing hair, and losing my bling.

Talk about feeling ugly.

I'm sorry to say it, but I did. I looked in the mirror and saw a stringy-headed, bony shell of a woman who was grouchy at the loss of all her favorite comfort foods and terrified that she would always look sick.

But then I embraced it.

My therapist calls this "radical acceptance". I got up on Sunday at church and, while I was leading the music-as-worship time, I encouraged people to look to God as the faithful restorer of everything that has been stripped away.

And I actually believed it. Not that God would restore my hair or my ring, but that He would restore my sense of health and beauty from the inside, not by anything external that could so easily be lost.

Since then I have been feeling more and more...let's see, what's the opposite of stripped away...adorned, I guess. I have been growing into my new style (I call it "Urban", but it's basically head scarves and big earrings), and last summer my husband gave me a new diamond ring. I have been exercising a bit, and even though I'm still trying to figure out my diet, I feel good about my weight (meaning I don't think I'm too skinny anymore).

But now I feel like another season of being "stripped away" might be coming on.

For one thing, I recently did a photo shoot bald (stay tuned for pictures of this Great Unveiling soon!). I have been getting more and annoyed, or maybe just bored, with my scarves.

I also lost another ring. Nothing nearly as important as my diamonds, but a ring that was making me feel extra sparkly.

Weirdest of all, over the past year I have suddenly developed an allergic reaction to the jewelry and fabrics I have been wearing for years. When I wear certain necklaces now, I get this itchy red rash on the back of my neck. And, as of last week, when I wear long earrings and they happen to brush against my neck, I get an itchy spot. My arms are reacting to wool sweaters. My head is getting splotchy from my scarves. I can't do wigs at all anymore. I have a couple funky ones for going out, but it's not worth the irritation anymore. My eyes also get itchy and sore from my eye makeup.

I'm not sure how I feel about this happening now. I sometimes think, erroneously, that I'm being punished for being too vain. I know, it's a crazy thought. God don't roll like that. ;)

But I do feel a little like petulantly stomping my foot and saying "It's not fair!" Isn't the hair loss enough? And the gluten allergy? Why do I also have to stop wearing jewelry and makeup? I feel like I have earned the right to adorn myself more than I used to. These adornments give me confidence and make me feel feminine. If I can't have those, what will I have?

Maybe there's something environmental going on that I can fix. Maybe it's stress. Maybe I need to work harder on my diet. I don't know. But for now, I am feeling like some layers are getting peeled off again, and I have to find the beauty in this new simplicity before I get resentful.

Sometimes the outer distractions need to be stripped away in order to find the true gem at the center.

("Stripping Away the Layers" from http://trubluecrafts.blogspot.com/)