How do you feel when you see this picture:
Disgusted? Disapproving? Cynical? Do you think it's cute? Does it make you laugh?
I was never one of those girls. I didn't turn heads as I walked down the street. Ironically, once I lost my hair I began to get comments from men in public. Mostly when I wear scarves or wigs, but occasionally I have genuinely been complimented on my bald head.
I ask about the picture because I don't always know how to feel about these men who approach me in the grocery store or call out to me in the park.
For the record, this is not something that happens all the time. I am just struck by how often a bald woman like myself actually does get "catcalled". I never expected my confidence to be boosted by losing my hair!
But I don't always feel confident when a strange man comes up to me in the store and tells me I have a beautiful smile. Often I feel violated and uncomfortable.
I wish I knew the purpose behind these comments. Are these men trying to make me feel good? Are they hoping for some kind of reciprocal flattery? Are they exercising their perceived power and dominion over me, the opposite sex, who exists only to give them pleasure?
Whatever the case, obviously men feel they have the right (and maybe the duty) to tell a woman they find her attractive in some way.
(Women do this too, of course, but usually in our heads or to our girlfriends.)
Now, my therapist tells me that this issue of letting others' opinions of me determine my mood for the day or shape my identity is really an issue of how I feel about myself. If I dress up all cute and go out and don't get a single comment, why should I be disappointed? The only thing that matters is whether I am happy with myself, right?
Well, we all know this is not totally true. We live in a world where we are influenced by other people all the time. I personally feel a sense of responsibility to others to compliment them when I feel that they could use some encouragement. Nothing wrong with that. But I have some sense of the line between appropriate and inappropriate when it comes to who I talk to and what I say.
So, when we see someone who exhibits some kind of beauty that we appreciate, how do we decide whether or not to say something? If we all need to start focusing on our own opinions of ourselves and nothing more, should we stop commenting on what we see in other people altogether?
I'd love to get lots of comments on this one. :)
Oh I have a lot of comments for this one! :)
ReplyDelete1)Personally, I feel violated when a man makes a point to "catcall" ( or intentionally stick his head out the window and look backwards to watch me as I am running..... this happened yesterday). I am not saying that to brag at all. I think it is creepy. For me, it is usually evident when someone is giving a genuine compliment versus a member of the opposite sex who feels they are exercising their right to gawk inappropriately. I think this has so much to do with role models and how men are taught to treat women. I have noticed it can be a cultural thing too, an old fashioned type of Machismo being passed on?
2) I grew up in a family who complimented a lot. I never thought of it as a bad thing, in fact I think it nurtured a healthy self esteem. To a point. As I got older, it greatly impacted my perception of myself. I began to feel pressure to look a certain way (or maintain a certain weight). My family had always commented on how "little" I was, how beautiful I was, or what a nice figure I had. What if that changed? What if I grew out of that? They would notice and I would not be as beautiful. Of course this is not what they thought, but having so much attention placed on my appearance gave me a false sense of what was important and caused me to have some major body image issues and eating disorders. Especially as I began to travel over the summers or go away to college- they would comment on how great I looked when I got back. Therefore, while I was away, I was always anticipating their comments on how I looked when I got back. Not to get on rampage here, but one thing I have learned: It is a fine balance between making sure our children feel beautiful, versus paying too much attention to outward appearance. (How to live out that balance I am still not sure!)
I've worked through these issues and have a much broader understanding as an adult. I've learned to care a lot less about my appearance. It doesn't mean that those insecurities aren't still there, they are, just not on the forefront of my day to day life. I've lived through a season where I felt trapped by concerns over my appearance, it was extremely challenging and heart wrenching.
To this day, every time I go home, my Grandmother makes a point to look me up and down and intentionally note, "You look good!" I don't even know what it means anymore! Actually I do, for her it means she is my Grandmother and loves me unconditionally and will always think I look good no matter what! :)
Thanks for sharing Stacy! I think a lot of us probably have family members that gave us certain messages about the importance of our appearance, whether they meant to or not.
ReplyDelete