So we get to school the other day, with her unbrushed hair, and her teacher tries to brush it, achieving the same results as I always do: nuthin.
She then proceeds to bring other girls in the class over to my daughter so she can see their pretty, perfect hair.
Now, this needs some context. This was the day of the kids' International Assembly at school. They got to dress up in traditional clothes from their culture/country of origin. My daughter was wearing her galabeyah from Egypt (something like this) with brown sandals.
The teacher was telling kids to take their T-Shirts off from under their clothes so it wouldn't look too casual. She had one girl remove her glasses, for heaven's sake. She clearly wanted everything to look just right.
I can't blame her, but I also wanted to laugh and remind her that these were first graders. Let the girl wear her glasses. Let that boy keep his T-shirt on.
Now, when it came to my daughter, I was torn. I had been trying to get her to brush her day all morning, too. I wanted her to look "nice" and put-together. I tried to use language promoting self respect rather than comparisons and advice to conform to culturally-defined standards of beauty. But this teacher flat out told Esther to compare herself to all the other girls, who also had make up on.
So my question is: How do we help our kids feel good about themselves without setting them up for a life of "If only I looked like..."? Should I force my daughter to brush her hair if she really, REALLY doesn't want to? Should I wait and see if the social pressure at school gives her a push in the direction of a neater appearance? Should I tell them all to stuff it?
Opinions, please. And check this out for a somewhat enlightening/somewhat pathetic discussion about why supermodels don't brush their hair. :)
Very thought provoking... Especially thinking back throughout my 28 years of life and feeling like I've ALWAYS felt that way. Like I had to compare myself to others. It seems pretty unfair, doesn't it? It's kind of ironic that your daughter was told to be like the other kids in an assembly that was supposed to celebrate differences! I say let her go as she wants, as long as it doesn't become a health issue (scalp/hygiene wise).
ReplyDeleteI remember both my girls not wanting their hair brushed. Before they were born I'd see other families who let their children go 'unbrushed' and found myself thinking "when I have kids, their hair WILL be brushed"... but guess what. My girls young tender heads were more important to me than the beauty-queen look, so our appearances were of messy hair that was at least clean. :) Let's agree to let ourselves Just Be and celebrate it all.
ReplyDeleteThis is a tough one. I suppose I would have made an attempt at explaining how most of the time, you can be yourself, but there are going to be times when you have to conform, like when you're doing traditional events, or rituals, or "picture day" or... you can swear all you want to, but not in front of your teacher or grandma, that sort of thing. But what do I know? :)
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I'm the Chair of Communications for Boldly Me and I wanted to thank you for adding us to your blog roll -- we're a relatively new organization and we're honored to be in your sidebar. :)
That's good advice, Margaret. You're right. I tend to be very black and white but life is all about the gray. :)
DeleteNice to "meet" you!
--Wendy