"I really appreciate your honesty and transparency. It's so refreshing!"
"Thank you for being so honest. I really appreciate it."
I used to hear comments like these a lot. I am the person who waits to be asked "How are you?" just so I can answer. I love to talk about myself, I love to be "real", I open myself up to people right off the bat if I get that trustworthy vibe from them (which I need to be more careful about). And many people have thanked me for it.
Not so here in the Philippines.
Here, I offend. I am the foreigner. I scare potential household helpers away at interviews because I'm "too honest" about the stress I'm under to keep the house clean and the family intact. I alienate neighbors because I don't act like a typical ma'am. I try to strike up conversations with people who clearly feel uncomfortable about me breaking from the conversational script in any given social interaction. I thought that by being vulnerable and humble and open I would make fast connections to people here, but the complex cultural histories at play and the infuriating fact that I wasn't able to pick up the entire language upon arrival (infuriating because I am supposed to be a linguistic genius) have built up a higher, stronger wall than I was expecting to be faced with.
So, I'm lonely.
And I'm losing my identity. I'm not part of a loving, supportive community where I get affirmation and kudos and gentle challenges. I'm not part of any community at all. I have always considered myself to be fairly independent, not needing to be with other people but choosing to. But I'm lost here without the safety net of having true supportive friendships to fall into when I doubt myself. And here, I live in self-doubt.
I have been told by a Filipina that I shouldn't be so honest and straightforward. I have been told not to open myself up to people here because they will either run away or take advantage. How do I make friends here then? I can vent with other expats, I can find guides to point me to resources I need in the city, and I can be prayed for at any church I visit. But these people will not be friends.
Never mind friends--how do I feel comfortable in my own skin? Or do I? Is that something I forfeited when I agreed to live cross-culturally?
Not easy things AT ALL for you over there, bummer! But I do remember a young girl thinking how cool it would be to travel across the seas to far away and strange lands. Of course that young girl didn't know she's have trials with kids, family and her own physical tribulations. I can only hope that one day (sooner than later) the heart of that young girl may be able to accept this things and see the excitement she'd always thought might be there in a culture so very different. Does that make sense?? Love you so much. mmmmmmm can only think of you and wish you luck. MOM
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