Like It Or Not

Okay, I have to write about my zumba class again. For some reason I never seem to sweat at Zumba or get too hot. Well, this time I did. I was wearing a scarf on my head and I was feeling more and more irritated. I wanted to take it off so badly, but three things stopped me initially: one, there were men present (dads and hubbies who came to watch); two, there were kids present and I had no desire to scare anyone; three, we were learning a new move that involved some pretty sexy hip rolls, and I felt like I had no right to do a move like that bald. It just wasn't feminine enough.

Eventually I got too hot and I ripped off my scarf. My face got beet red (and I don't mean from the heat) but I focused on the teacher and tried to just have fun. And it was SUCH a relief to get that thing off my head. I actually felt like I had a huge advantage over everyone else with a hot, sweaty mop of hair on their heads.

I'd like to say that I ended up learning a lesson about the joy of being free to be myself, or about feeling beautiful no matter what I look like, etc. But honestly, I just felt embarrassed the whole time. I wanted to have myself a nice pity party.

After the class a friend told me that she didn't even think about the fact that I was bald. She said most people will notice for a minute, ask their own questions, and then move on. I'm the only one thinking about it the entire time.

I wonder if that's true.

Whether it is or isn't, I am feeling more and more strongly that it's time for me to get more comfortable in my own skin, literally. I have been answering my door bald a little more recently. I have been taking pictures of myself with nothing on my head just so I can get used to seeing it when I scroll through photos. Come summer, I will be stepping outside bald a little more. I am so tired of having to cover up all the time.

Some people undoubtedly appreciate the fact that I cover up. A bald head on a woman is probably pretty distracting in the classroom, or maybe even unprofessional. I am compelled to try my best to fit into the mold that is generally accepted in society. I don't resent that when it comes to my professional life. We all make changes to fit the dress code at work, whatever that code may be. As for my social life? Well, I'm getting there.

But I do resent the fact that when I want to feel good about myself, I still feel the need to put on makeup, big earrings and a wig (or, at least, a long scarf that can drape over my shoulder like hair). I know there's nothing wrong with those things, and I know we all need to feel good about ourselves, but I am beginning to question this message. On one hand it's fine to do something different and fun with your appearance and get a little boost of pride. On the other hand, the more you think you will only feel good when you "dress up", the more changes you will need to make in order to feel good about yourself. Am I completely misreading the message? Is there something inherently good about getting some feeling of self-worth, no matter how small, from your appearance? Certainly the idea has been around a very long time.

This is only an issue because we internalize the opinions of others. I feel the need to wear scarves and wigs mostly so that people will still see me as feminine. That matters to me. Some may argue that if it matters, just do it to feel good and stop making a big deal out of it. I guess I am trying to get around to the other side of the argument, the side where we (collectively) can change the rules about the kinds of opinions elicited by different kinds of appearances.

Don't misunderstand me, I'm not advocating a total abandonment of the lifestyle changes that make us healthier and happier. I just don't see why I should EVER have to feel ashamed of my bald head. If it doesn't fit the mold, then the mold needs to change. Especially since being bald is not something I chose, nor is it an issue of poor lifestyle choices. I have no choice but to accept the fact that I have no hair--everyone else needs to accept that maybe I don't want to be constantly trying to hide it. In turn, I need to watch for my own judgmental thoughts when I see people who don't fit the mold. Hairy legs in the summer? Go for it. Big belly hanging out of a halter top? I can handle it. If you are doing your best to be healthy and you are at that ever-elusive place of being comfortable and happy with the appearance you have, then we need you to step out and teach us about redefining beauty.