What Little Girls See

Me: "Time to go to basketball! Here, get your tennis shoes on."

Five-year-old daughter: "Aw, I don't waaaaannnnnna wear those."

Me: "What? Why not?"

Five-year-old daughter: "They're not pretty."


Last year, this was not a problem. This year, every morning I have the same dilemma: what do I say to my daughter when she sees me spending 15 minutes putting on make-up, jewelry, and "fancy shoes", and then asks why she can't have holes in her ears or wear high heels to kindergarten. She has become aware that certain looks are pretty while others are not. A sweatshirt is not pretty, but three headbands (at the same time) are. When asked what matters more, beauty or practicality, she chooses "being pretty". That answer makes my skin crawl, but do I really show her anything different through my own choices? I do spend a lot more time on make-up than I ever thought I would before I lost my hair. I choose my outfits and accessories carefully. I am never without earrings, even if it's just a Saturday afternoon at home. I tell her it's all because I'm a grown up lady, and...well, my reasoning falls apart there. If I'm telling her that she is beautiful because her heart is kind and God made her to be exactly who she is, why should that stop when she grows up? From what she can tell, I'm sure, grown-ups define beauty by outward appearance. We have to look nice for work, we dress up to go out, etc. Daddies tell their kids to go up to their mommies and say "You look pretty".

None of this is bad. Kids (and daddies) should tell their mommies that they look pretty. You do need to dress appropriately for your workplace. It does feel good to dress up and go out. And bald women should absolutely get to wear big earrings all the time without feeling gaudy.

My problem is this: how do I communicate a consistent message of inner beauty and self-love to my kids when we live in a culture that has set certain standards regarding outward appearance? Little girls feel pretty in dresses, and everyone tells them they look pretty in dresses. And little boys hear that. Is that wrong? Where is the dividing line between self-care and vanity? Between feeling lovely and defining yourself by how you look?

My mom didn't talk to me that much about beauty. She never told me to do my hair a certain way or to start dressing like a normal teenager instead of an old lady (although maybe she should have). She herself didn't spend a ton of time on her appearance. I always knew my mom was beautiful, as all kids know about their moms. I saw people look at her with admiration. But I didn't see her defining herself by her looks. Actually my mom is one of the least vain people I know. What I did see was her ability to make people light up by paying attention to them when others wouldn't. I saw her build confidence by working her way up to a black belt in karate. I watched her own face light up whenever she got a chance to sing. And I felt totally loved and accepted for who I was, a late-blooming loner who loved laughing and dancing and, let's face it, moping and daydreaming.

I want my daughter (and my son) to feel completely free to be who they are. I also want to unapologetically do the things I need to do in order to feel good about myself. I am on a journey to define myself and see myself as beautiful, and right now wearing make-up and big earrings is part of how I walk out the door with confidence rather than crying about my missing hair. Since I didn't get to choose the alopecia, I at least want to choose the face I confront people with.

I have also chosen hair, at times. Last year around this time I bought a couple of really...bold wigs, for lack of a better word. One was black with blue streaks in front, and one was long and tri-color (red, black and blonde). I received a little bit of criticism stemming from the fear that my kids would grow up thinking blue hair was acceptable and appropriate. My reasoning was that I wanted to step out of my comfort zone and push myself a little bit, something that I think is always good. I also wanted to have something fun to wear out--obviously this was not something I wore to work. I did wear it to my daughter's preschool a couple times, with great trepidation about the kids' reactions.

They hardly noticed.

Sure, they asked why I was wearing it, then they went back to their games. If only we could all react to each other that way. Obviously my daughter will notice my hair and make-up. Obviously I notice when a woman has her cheek pierced. We notice colors and lines and shapes and images that do not fit our expectations. Big deal. Notice it, then move on.

Where am I going with all of this, you must be asking. I guess I'm trying to justify my behavior at home and reconcile it with the message I want my kids to internalize. I worry that I don't have enough integrity as a woman and a mother. I worry that my actions are speaking louder than my words and that my daughter will come to define herself by her appearance, as I basically have. My one consolation is that she already seems to have a much stronger mind and will than I have ever had.

I guess while I figure all this out, honest communication and open-mindedness are key, right? Let's hope so. Let's hope my daughter and I can define beauty together, helping each other to see ourselves and our world differently.