Pay Attention

Today I did Zumba bald again, for the third week in a row. I did my best to look extra feminine, with big earrings and a cute tank top--and I felt like I was working it. After class was over a woman who was there with her little girl came up and introduced herself. Here's the conversation we had:

Her: "My daughter was looking at you and she asked me, 'Mommy, is that a man?' I said, 'No, it's a lady.' I think she was trying to work it all out. Then she asked 'Why?' and I told her 'Maybe she's sick'."

Me, in my head: Why would you tell me this?
Me, out loud: "Oh, that's funny. Actually, I'm not sick. I have this autoimmune thing... blah blah bald..."

Gotta love kids, right? And moms who don't know what to say.

But you know, I have often said I would rather have people come out with their questions than to stare and look and never come find out my story. So I can't be upset when something like this happens.

It does shake me, though. It changes the way I see myself. DO I look like a man to other people? Years ago when I first started losing my hair, I went out with what I thought was a cute newsboy hat and a sweater that, let's face it, didn't exactly show off the fact that I was a woman. Someone on the street wanted to ask me directions, and he said "Excuse me, sir". When I turned around he stammered an apology: "Oh, sorry. I thought you was, you know, a male." Nope.

These incidents are deeply hurtful. I know they don't really mean anything, but they are really hard to laugh off.

I think, though, that these anomalies are just examples of people not paying close attention. I think that this man was thinking more about where he was going than the fact that he was actually looking at a "female" body. He was probably not aware, either, of the fact that newsboy hats were very trendy for the FEMALE population. Not his fault.

When my daughter was a baby, she had a pink car seat and stroller. You could see it from a mile away. And all her clothes were pink. AND YET...I still had people ask me if she was a boy or a girl! Not paying attention. Or nervous and saying stupid things. Whatever the case, it's more reflective of them and their assumptions than it is of me, my baby, or the images we project. Right?

In this morning's case, how can I blame a little girl for seeing a bald head and being confused about my gender? All of her princess books show pretty girls with long, long hair. So long your average clumsy adolescent would undoubtedly not be able to walk properly, given the weight of the hair and the proximity to the legs and feet. The only bald person she's ever seen may very well be her Grandpa Joe.

Whose fault is that? Has her mom been careless with the images she lets her daughter see and be shaped by? Of course not. As much as I hate it, the fact is that women in this culture have long hair. Or, if it's short, it's carefully styled to look like a pixie. Little girls know that pixies are, well, girls.

I have to accept the fact that I will always make people look twice. I just hope they look carefully.

And now to the issue of femininity. Am I contradicting myself by saying I want baldness to be more accepted for women, and then only going out bald when I am wearing tons of makeup and jewelry? Shouldn't I also be pushing for a less "decorated" or "modified" image of what it means to be feminine?

I don't know yet. I can't deny that it feels good to wear makeup and dresses and scarves and earrings and high heels. It just does. But these are additions, trappings that take effort to arrange. Shouldn't those things be like the sprinkles on a sundae? Yes, they give the sundae that extra flair, but the essentials of a sundae are ice cream and some kind of sweet sauce. And I suppose we could even argue what makes a sundae a sundae, but the point is that I don't cease to be feminine just because I don't have "sprinkles".

I'm working on this. I feel like this is an incomplete post, but I am still in the process of sorting out why I got so angry this morning when I am advocating for a redefining of what it means to be a woman. Hmm. Can I find the beauty in the situation? Is there beauty in being a woman who can be mistaken for a man?

I can't find it.

But like I said, if people can just pay a little more attention and try to process what they are seeing without the filters created by the media, then I think we would all see ourselves and others a little differently. I, for one, am going to question my assumptions when I look at people and pay attention to what's really there.




PS I'm not angry, really. Forgive the honesty of this post as I work out my reactions.