Today, on International Women's Day, I really want to celebrate my womanhood. The problem is, I don't feel particularly "womanly" today. I am looking around at a house that I can't seem to keep clean and organized. I have clothes with holes in them that I don't know how to sew. I can't seem to keep my fridge stocked with enough food to make easy meals every night.
Where did I get this idea that in order to be a "woman" I had to be skilled in the domestic arts? I feel like a little girl who doesn't play house because she is too busy reading, or watching movies because she would rather live in a fantasy world than face all the ways her home has disappointed her.
Well, in one respect I do feel very much like a woman: I am an emotional reactor. I exaggerate, I overblow, I cry, I get giddy. All the things men love to scoff at. The problem here is that being overly emotional has turned me into Crazy Monster Mom lately. My poor kids are getting the brunt of my stress in the form of yelling, grabbing and belittling. I admit this with a huge amount of shame. I mean, I'm dripping with it.
So how do I celebrate myself as a woman today? I don't need chocolates, flowers or booze. I don't need pat compliments about how I'm actually a great mom and a beautiful, "womanly" woman. I'm honestly not motivated to clean my house and say "There, I've done woman's work".
What I would love to do is sit in front of an artist and have a portrait done. A portrait that shows me surrounded by my failures AND my accomplishments. Every woman has a big pile of both. After all, women (generally speaking) are the ones with the burden of nurturing. Nurturing any kind of relationship, even a relationship with the self, is not straightforward. It's messy and flexible and subject to all kinds of starts and stops.
Today, Women's Day, will be a day I try to nurture myself. I will do what I can do, and let go of the guilt I hold about what I cannot do. I will see the beauty in myself as a woman who does the best she can with what she has. I only have so many emotional resources, after all. Today I will do something to increase those so that I have more to give my kids and my family and friends.
(Disclaimer: this post may contain views that seem overly simplistic, sexist, and/or backwards. I apologize. I am speaking from the "natural order of things" I have grown up with.)
Thanks for the honest post, Wendy. It's still weird to think of us as "women"... so in that respect I hear ya. I don't have the responsibilities you have, the family, the home, all that. Many moments in a day I wish I did, though. It's one of those things I guess. We want what we can't or don't have and have a hard time accepting what we do have as spectacular. I wish we were closer and could trade lives even for a couple days at a time. Lol... Love you!
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