Learning

So, I'm pretty discouraged by the permanent makeup thing. I can't find an aesthetician whose portfolio I really like. I am coming back to the reason I never did permanent makeup before: I feel like I would be stuck with one shape that wouldn't always look good to me. And I don't like the solid color brows, nor do I like the attempt at making them look like individual hairs. I can't get over my snobbish feeling that they look fake. I have seen nice ones online, but not the ones I'm looking at in my area. Is that possible? Am I being too picky?

No! This is a big deal! I'm doing this, after all, to be more confident. If I can't find a design I like, then I'm not going to do it.

There is one guy whose work looks good, but he was a jerk on the phone and he's way expensive. So right now I'm feeling like I don't want to take this step. I actually really enjoy choosing different shapes and colors. And I have learned a lot through years of drawing them on. Here's what I typically did four years ago:

(Look at my beautiful sister!)

 

Those aren't terrible, but they're not shaped very well. Now, even after having a tattoo artist draw her practice eyebrows on me, I have learned to follow my brow bones. And I have learned that perfect symmetry is not possible, nor is it necessary.

 

Here's what I drew today:

 

A little more of a shapely arch so I don't look I'm worried all the time (that's how I look in the top photo, I think). Subtle differences make all the difference. I'm also learning that I don't need to get my eyeliner right on the edge of the eyelid. That just irritates my eyes. I can draw the line a little lower. The line doesn't have to be so close that you can't see my skin. It should look like this:

 

I can practice a thinner line. (Wow, the brow in this picture looks pretty good. Too bad this place is not close to where I live. My worry is that the "hair" lines would look more like stitches than hair though.) The key to reproducing this myself is a think pencil/pen. I need to work on this...

 

Maybe I'm fooling myself, still. Maybe I think I'm doing a good job drawing brows on, but other people are thinking "Hmm, she needs help with those." Drawing your own eyebrows on is a vulnerable act. People will see you and know you hand-crafted your "look", attempting to replace what nature meant but disease stole. And people will have opinions and judgments. Not all people, but some. I'm not an artist or aesthetician, but I have to pretend to be every morning.

 

Which is why I usually do my semi-permanent tattoos from Beauty-Full Brows. But still, I have to figure out how and where to place them. Look world, here is my attempt at art.

 

I will get better. For now, I worry more about whether heat and moisture or a careless touch of the hand will erase my carefully crafted brows than the shape. Although I did just learn that I need to hold the temporary tattoos on for 3 minutes, not 1 like I have been doing. Maybe now they'll stay on longer...

 

But I do know that as of right now I feel more peace about keeping this up than getting a cosmetic tattoo. 

Beautiful Insomniacs

I had my TV on the other day while I was having lunch at home, and I heard this:

"Can't sleep? Don't let your skin show it." It was an ad for Estee Lauder's new Advanced Night Repair. I was shocked, although I guess I shouldn't have been.

If you can't sleep, there are bigger problems than how your skin will look in the morning. I happen to be quite experienced in this area. Lack of sleep, as we all know, is an indicator of one of several issues: stress, illness, anxiety, depression, and children. Those issues all call for help, whether from professional care providers or a close circle of friends and family. But women are being told to hide all that and put on a fresh face. We are told that beauty is more important than mental health.

Honestly, I have purchased night cream before. Not this particular one, but still--I have bought into this culture's emphasis on looking young and refreshed at all times. I'm not saying we can't take care of our skin and look our best when we go out and have to be confident enough to make our way in what has historically been a man's world. But I am saying that ad agencies and cosmetic companies cross the line when they push a product at the expense of a woman's well-being.

If you have insomnia, please place greater importance on seeking help than on looking good.

(http://learntoembracethestruggle.com/the-insomnia-war/)

Aww, naturale...

I'm really tired of not having hair. It's one of those days.

I was at an out-of-town event over the weekend, and shortly after arriving I realized I didn't have any makeup packed in my bag! I had packed it, then switched bags and left it in the bathroom back home.

Now, if I had eyebrows and eyelashes, I would've been irritated but not totally derailed. As it is, without these natural features I look too alien to step out in public. I desperately needed makeup for my eyes, or else I would have to lock myself in my hotel room.

You might be thinking, "You are beautiful without makeup. You don't need it. Be free." Trust me, when you have alopecia, you can't just go au naturale. You look sick. More than anything, I want to assure people through my appearance that there is nothing wrong with me. I'm healthy. These eyes don't look healthy:


Okay, so maybe they don't look so bad...but they are certainly not pretty. I still want to be pretty all the time. I don't know how to be free from that. I can't walk out of my house until my eyes look like this, at least:



The natural look can't exist for me. The natural look for me is actually unnatural. Natural would be having hair in all the right places. My look must always be slightly more put-together than most "mom-types". And I'm beginning to resent that.

Maybe I should go ahead with tattooed eyeliner. It's scary, but maybe if I didn't have to put eyeliner on every day, I would be able to move on with my life without the daily reminder that all is not as it should be in my body.

Would you do it?

You've seen my eyes "before and after". I think it's obvious that my eyes look better with eyeliner. But sometimes it's not an improvement. Look at these before and after photos from a cosmetic tattoo clinic and tell me if the clients look better or worse after getting permanent eyeliner:

1.
Before--


After--


2.
Before--


After--


(Pictures from http://www.artisticcosmeticsolutions.com/p_eyeliner.html)

I love the natural look on most women. I wish I could pull it off without eyelashes. Well, such is the world I live in. I can't be taken seriously if I don't wear eye makeup because I look too tired or sick.

So, your thoughts, please: Is permanent eyeliner worth the pain?