Not this again!

Toothpaste, cosmetics...and a razor?! What?! Since when do I need a razor? Hello, alopecia universalis.

Apparently, my body is a little wishy washy when it comes to my hair, as is the case with all alopecia alumni. After being totally and completely without hair for years, minus a little peach fuzz on my face, I am suddenly finding sprouts in highly undesirable places. My body can't grow hair on my head or give me eyelashes. Oh no. Instead, my body is functioning properly on my chinny-chin-chin and (worse yet)under my arms.

Why, of all the irritating....

"But", some people excitedly tell me, "this means your hair is starting to grow back! You should be grateful!"

First of all, this does not mean my hair is growing back. Sufferers of alopecia universalis learn to hold hair lightly. It may come, but it will almost definitely go again.

Second, I don't know any woman who is excited about hair under her arms. Having no hair anywhere else does not induce me to jump for joy when I see hair in the only places it was worth losing it in!

When I first saw the little black hairs while I was getting ready for a day at the beach, I grabbed the nearest pair of tweezers and just went nuts. Finally though, I had to break down and buy a razor. I know I'm just succumbing to socially-assigned rules of feminine hygiene, but I just can't go around with hair under my arms when I don't have it on my head. That's crossing the line for me.

So, shaving has once again become part of my daily routine. (Well, weekly maybe.) I lost THE best perk that came with losing all my hair. The only good news is that, if I wait a couple years, it will probably all fall out again.

Obsession With Nothing

A couple days ago my sister forwarded me a link to this video:



Good Hair Day with Jennifer Aniston.
(www.livingproof.com/goodhairday)

Apparently there is a project in the works to collect women's stories about how they see themselves. This project is sponsored by a company that sells styling products and is endorsed by a celebrity whose hairstyles over the years have inspired millions of ordinary women all over the country to rush to their local salon and demand a look that matches hers.

The company purports to be all about boosting confidence and finding creative solutions to hair problems. And, as it turns out, the project is actually a contest. You get to submit your story about your own hair obsession and perhaps win a day with Jennifer Aniston...and get a haircut by her stylist.

Encouraged by my sister, I entered the contest. Yes, I did. I sent in this picture:


and I wrote this about my hair obsession:

My hair obsession began when I lost my hair five years ago to alopecia universalis. I never had great hair before, and I didn't have the tools or the confidence to do much with it. Once I lost it all, I realized how much hair had to do with my sense of femininity. I think we are obsessed with our hair not because we are women, but because we have been told that hair is a sign of vitality, sexual freedom, and popularity. We are obsessed with hair because it's one of the most salient features of our body. It is our crown. It is a sign of health and having the means to take care of yourself and pamper yourself. I try to deny that I care about not having hair, but I buy long scarves and try to drape them over my shoulder like hair. I haven't been comfortable in wigs, because I truly aim for integrity and loathe the feeling of being "fake". So my obsession is about how others view me due to my lack of hair. I have accepted my loss, yet I long to have what I think men desire.

I encourage you to enter this contest. Not just to meet Ms. Aniston, but to provide a multitude of perspectives on what beauty means to women all across the spectrum. I always think these contests end up misrepresenting women, because usually the ones who enter are women who want to meet a celebrity and get 15 minutes of fame. I could be wrong. But if a more eclectic smattering of women share their stories, perhaps we really can start to poke holes in the cultural narratives about beauty and the way women see themselves and desire to be seen. A cursory look at the other entries does show a great deal of diversity, but it doesn't hurt to add a little more. Or a lot more.

30 Days of Redefining Beauty-Day 26

Fuchsia. Emerald. Chartreuse. Ferrari Red. Electric orchid. Cyan.

No, these are not the names of celebrities' kids. You are probably aware that these are all colors. Colors of what, though? Sports cars? Nail polish?

Yes, at times. But sometimes, incredibly, they are hair colors!

One of my best friends recently dyed her hair this vibrant shade of red that can only be modified by the adjective "shocking". It's absolutely fabulous. It's a short, spiky cut that was made for this color red. And it's not that I really love the color. It wouldn't have been my first choice for her, actually. It's the fact that she took a risk and steps out every day in confident vulnerability that I love.


(Obviously this is not her, but the red is the same.)


Today I saw two women with similarly unconventional hair colors, and I couldn't take my eyes off their heads. Both had incorporated this beautiful, bottled purple color into their natural hair color, with stunning results.


I love the fact that we have the capability of decorating ourselves with such audacity. Not that we need it--but we can if we feel like it. And in my case, I don't even have to get messy. I just go down to the corner, buy a $30 wig from the neighborhood beauty supply store, and I'm good to go.



My absolute favorite is the black and purple combination. I love black and purple hair.
It is so sleek and darkly refined, strong without being tough.


Some say coloring your hair this boldly is unnecessary, wild, rebellious, anti-social, disrespectful, and on and on. But in this age, I think it's nothing but an expression of personality, mood, and/or desire. It's all in how you carry yourself. I personally think it's great that my kids have seen me put hair on and take it off without making a big deal of it. My daughter will have to think of another way to rebel, because I would love it if she came home with electric blue hair one day!

If you could try on a funky hairstyle for a day, what would you try? I thought I would be the last person on earth to wear chemically-dyed hair, but I've done it and it is pure liberation. Here are some looks I want to try:





Any votes?

30 Days of Redefining Beauty-Day 13

Today the beauty I want to share about is something I have not actually experienced yet. I'm hoping to get there soon--maybe you can help.

When you think of a beautiful woman on a beach, what do you see in your mind? This:
?

Or maybe this:
?

Almost certainly, you would not see anyone looking like this:



Long hair is critical to the image of a beautiful woman on the beach, isn't it?!

We tend to think in "types", or at least I do. The stages in my mind are set, and only characters who fit the description will be given parts. When I imagine what characters in my novels look like, my images are greatly influenced by the descriptions of the settings those characters are in. I might picture a cute blond with short, spiky hair if the scene I meet her in is a nightclub. If a woman is on horseback in the scene, then she has to have long hair billowing out behind her.

I guess these images must come from movies or book illustrations I was inundated with growing up. No matter--they're there, and they have so twisted my self image now, as a bald woman, that I have actually kept myself from doing things I know I would love because my "image" doesn't fit the scene in my mind. I will probably never allow my husband to dance with me if I am not wearing a wig or a long scarf I really feel feminine in. In my mind, a dancing couple is made up of a woman with hair falling down her back and a slightly taller man with his hand at the small of her back and his face half-buried in her hair, taking in her scent and her softness.



Well, I'm tired of defining myself by my so-called deficiency. I'm tired of saying "You can't walk on a beach/ride a horse/dance unless you have hair (i.e. "look like a woman").

The beauty I write about tonight is the beauty of re-imagining myself as a character in the scenes I have set in my mind. Here are a few shots of women in "scenes" I would never have imagined this way:










I hope I can see myself enjoying any opportunity life brings my way without worrying whether I'm what the director is looking for. I am the director of my own life, after all.