Someone Else's Shoes

So, hopefully you've noticed that it's been awhile since my last post. Final exams and the grading that goes with it, holidays, school closures...writing hasn't exactly been a priority. Truthfully, I haven't known what to write about. How much can I really write about my life with alopecia and my journey toward a greater appreciation of my own unique beauty?

But, as happens every so often, I have entered a new phase of self-exploration. This new step was actually precipitated by the approach of another winter with bone-deep cold settling in to my body. More than anything, I truly dislike having a cold head and neck. Alopecia is a blessing in the summer, but a bane in the winter.

This year, I invested in some pashminas. Never heard of them? Apparently, they can be worn in twenty different ways:

I discovered that these thick, extra-long wraps keep my head warm, my neck covered...and people guessing about my background even more than usual!

Here is my new winter look:

I've gotten a few more "As-Salaam-Alaikum"s than usual. I feel like an intruder when I tell my greeters that I'm not Muslim. I have been questioning whether it's alright to wear the traditional garb of a culture and religion that I don't belong to. I don't mean to co-opt a symbol of the values of this culture, but it interesting what has happened since I started covering my head this way. First of all, I think this covered look is truly beautiful. There's something about a wrapping that signifies a special gift underneath that deserves to be hidden until it's intended recipient gets to discover it. Second, I feel that I might have a role to play in bridging a gap between my culture of origin and the culture I now look to be a part of. There is nothing to fear in the way people dress. As obvious as that sounds, I now know that the things which divide people are often simple ways of everyday living that look unfamiliar. I hope in this post to reflect my appreciation of a look that many people judge to be oppressive, or forced upon the women who wear it.

At any rate, this is my winter look this year, but when it warms up I will go back to baring my neck. Somehow I know I will feel much more exposed than I ever did before. Funny how stepping into someone else's shoes for a bit doesn't just change your opinion of them. It changes you, too.

30 Days of Redefining Beauty-Day 12

Everything as it should be.

How does that phrase make you feel? Personally, I feel at peace. Some of you might feel bored, but this is for the people who read that and breathe a deep sigh of relief.

Today I woke up to more snow than I have seen so far this winter--and that's not saying much. This and last winter have been incredibly mild for the Chicagoland area. I haven't complained. It was wonderful to take my kids to a park after school in January because it was 60 degrees! It felt so healthy and life-giving. No, I didn't complain and I won't if it happens again.

BUT...this weekend my husband and I took our kids sledding, and today I tromped through several inches of snow and slush to and from (and to and from, over and over again) schools and work.

I hated it (well the sledding was fun, but the slogging and scraping is not). But because I am growing used to the idea of seeing beauty in unexpected places, that phrase popped into my head: "Everything as it should be."

It should be cold and nasty in Chicago in the winter, for heaven's sake! I don't like it, but there is something beautiful and right about kids bundling up to go sledding in February rather than picnicking in the park.

I say this because I grew up in Colorado. For readers who grew up in places like California and Saudi Arabia, "winter" means something totally different.

So take the general idea and apply it whatever you want. Where in your life can you see the beauty of "the natural order of things"? Where have things been off lately? Do you embrace sameness or change--or both equally?!

30 Days of Redefining Beauty-Day 10

This will be quick--it's way past my bedtime.

Today we (finally) had some snow on the ground, and I was in a friend's car when he decided to do doughnuts in the parking lot we were leaving. I don't think I've ever done that. It may sound hard to believe, but trust me--I was the biggest scaredy-cat (is that how you spell that?) around. I would have had a heart attack doing doughnuts in a car a few short years ago. Today I felt a bit exhilarated, if exhilaration is something you can feel just a bit of.

I also took my kids sledding today, and I was surprised at how impatient I was with their anxieties. We had a blast, but one time when they tumbled out and cried I actually laughed at them. Not to be mean, but it was pretty cute. I just kept thinking "Why are they being such wimps? I've got to show them how fun this is."

I didn't do anything daring today, but I was ready to. I was almost ready to step on a snowboard today. In my youth I was terrified of skiing, and while I had fun sledding, there were many instances where I was the solitary kid watching the thrills on the sidelines, held back by fear...and then tortured by regret at the thought that I missed out on the fun.

Today I was struck by how far I've come. It's a beautiful thing to let go of fears, whether you do so through talk therapy or medications. It was so fun to feel my heart beating fast with excitement rather than worry. I was a late bloomer, but I did bloom.

Have you recently recognized the beauty of maturing in some way? Or experiencing something you were afraid to experience in the past?