Labels

This Sunday I had a 31 party at my house.

Nope, not my birthday. Sadly, I have already crossed that bridge.

No, Thirty-One Gifts is a company that sells bags, totes, wallets and other fun organizational packs. One way to get these products is through a product party. You know, where your friends come over and eat your food and watch a presentation about the products...and then, hopefully, they buy from the catalog so you can get some free stuff as a hostess!

That's not really what it's all about, of course. I especially like this company because it's Christian-owned, female-owned, practical, and supportive of business-minded women. And the consultant who did my party is fabulous. (If you're in the Chicago area, give this woman a call to do a party in your home!)

Just so you know, I have not been paid by Thirty-One Gifts to do an endorsement. I didn't mean to do a commercial for them. I'm just trying to give you a context for the really sweet activity we did at the party, which is very fitting for this blog.

The consultant called it "Labels". She had heard of my blog and asked me to share a little at my party. Since her company's motto is "Celebrating, encouraging, and rewarding others for who they are", she led us in an activity that had absolutely nothing to do with buying products and everything to do with encouraging my friends and I to celebrate true, inner beauty.

Each of my friends was given a label and asked to write one word on it that they felt described me. Here are some they came up with:



Then, one by one they had to come up and stick their label on me, sharing their word and why they chose to label me that way.



The goal, of course, is to redeem the concept of labels. We give others labels all the time that trap them in wrong and ridiculous ideas about their worth as people. Through an exercise like this, we remember to create uplifting and true labels about the parts of our character that shine through to others.

That's exactly what was so hard for me about this activity. The labels people came up with for me supposedly represent how they see me. But they are SO far from how I see myself. How can a person who is so insecure, irritable, guilty and troubled be seen by others as strong, cheerful, giving and soulful? I tend to think of myself as the person I think I am, but what if I'm really the person others think I am? What if my outward projections matter more than my inner struggles?

What if those closest to me--my husband and kids--could see me the way my friends, students and coworkers see me? What if I lived into these labels rather than my own?

I kept the sheet of labels. Now and again I hope I come across them and remember to treat myself the way others see me.

Females

These questions are for my female readers:

*When you meet up with a good female friend, what is the first thing you comment on?

*When you see a female acquaintance in the office, or an elevator, or on the train, what do you say to them?

*When you are standing in line at the grocery store with a complete female stranger, do you feel compelled to say something? About what?

If you are like me, you could answer each question by saying "I compliment her on some aspect of her appearance, usually clothes." I can't tell you how many times I have recently caught myself (or another woman within earshot) compliment another woman on something she is wearing.

"Nice sweater. Where'd you get it?"

"Ooh, I love those shoes. Where'd you get them?"

"Those earrings look great on you. Are they homemade?"

And it goes on.

Why do we do this? Male readers, if you are still reading this, how would you answer those questions? Do you feel the need to comment on other men's clothing and accessories? Somehow, I doubt it.

So why do women do it? Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the fact that women care about building each other up--at least on the surface. I have enjoyed being on the receiving end of such comments. Most recently I have gotten tons of comments on this great headcovering my sister got me for Christmas (I think it's officially called a "snood"):



I wonder if people think I am trying to get compliments. After all, the huge flower on the side of my head clearly wants to be noticed. I choose my apparel and accessories carefully, and when people compliment me on my choice of color or my skill in coordinating patterns, I feel validated.

Is that why I similarly compliment other women on their appearance? Is it because I recognize the struggle to step out of the house with the perfect blend of confidence, comfort and identity that most women aim for when they get dressed?

Or are women just silly? Why can't we stop ourselves from constantly saying "Nice sweater", thus perpetuating the myth that women are valued for looks and not much more? Of course, when we are first meeting someone or just crossing paths, we comment on the only possible point of connection--besides the weather, maybe.

I don't know why it's been bothering me lately. Every time I give, or hear, a compliment of this sort, a voice inside me screams, "There's so much more to her/me!" Should I just relax about it? Or should we occasionally find an alternative way to build a bridge connecting our island to this other person's island, opening up endless possibilities of further connection and communication?

Any ideas?

Time to Go on a Diyet?

A friend of mine forwarded a link to me today, and when I clicked on it I saw this:



At first, it reminded me of another image I saw on another friend's Pinterest board:


So at first I though it was a hoax--a writer using child-like penmanship in order to illustrate a point and garner some attention about an issue.

But as I read on, I became convinced it was true. A seven-year-old wrote that list. And her mom is naturally very angry at society for upholding the values we do concerning appearance and beauty, which eventually led to this little girl making such a list.

Apparently the girl heard about this "diyet" from a friend at school. Who knows how the friend heard about it. Maybe she has a big sister who reads teen magazines.

I understand the mother's frustration. I, too, am worried that I will be forced to talk about issues with my young daughter that she really shouldn't have to deal with until she's much older.

I might try to look at it another way, though. Maybe these girls are writing about "diyets" because they have read about them and they seem like important, grown-up things to emulate. Like when a kid writes a "menu" and takes your order, or "writes a check" to pay for toys in their room.

But let's say these girls are taking this seriously. This mom did exactly the right thing and talked to her daughter about the beauty of her body just the way it is. I also suggest having the friend over and doing some activities that will get counter-cultural messages across.

But the real issue here is that little girls are taking their bodies very seriously. They are learning how to put on makeup, accessorize, dance and walk in ways that make them feel grown up. Because our culture tells them that their value lies in how much attention they can get for their looks.

This mom was questioning her choice to let her daughter play with a Barbie doll. I've been there, making the choice between giving in to my daughter's wishes for pretty playthings and trying to substitute her desired object with something less damaging for her self image.

I let her have a Barbie.

Because ultimately, I think balance is key. I let her have a Barbie, but instead of a Barbie video for Christmas I got her a Veggie Tales movie about true beauty. I think it's okay for little girls to learn from an early age how to take their of their bodies. I think it's okay for them to be affirmed in their desire for "prettiness". The problem comes when we limit the idea of "prettiness" to a Barbie doll or Disney princess. Another problem comes when we indulge them in their desire to grow up too fast. We womanize and sexualize our little girls because we think it's so cute that they look like little ladies.

Look at this swimsuit from Target:


It starts at size 4. Some moms probably think their 4-year-olds look darling in this little mini bikini. Let's face it, a woman's body is very pleasing to look at. Fine. But is the idea of a woman's body so alluring that we must project it onto little girls?

I haven't even addressed the issue of sports, dance, gymnastics and pageants for little girls. Again, balance is key. We as a society tend to keep pushing the envelope--maybe part of our "westward expansion" mentality. We could stand to sit back and let things be.

I'd love your reactions and thoughts.

30 Days of Redefining Beauty-Day 14

The wallpaper shown above is called "Girlfriends" (available at http://www.scenicreflections.com/media/264457/GIRLFRIENDS_Wallpaper/). I love this picture. I think it shows how girlfriends never grow old, how we lean on each other as we look at life around us, and how we rely on each other's perspective to color the scene before us.

I love my girlfriends. They are beautiful and all very unique. I have been appreciating them so much more lately. Tonight I relied on my girlfriends to help me out of a Mommy Guilt trap.

You see, this afternoon I was planning on writing an entirely different post. I was playing in the snow with my kids after school--and we had an unbelievable (and long overdue) wonderful time together! We made a snow turtle, we threw snowballs at each other, we were carefree. Part of why I was able to enjoy this time was because one of my girlfriends offered to take my kids for the evening so I could go to Zumba. I was going to write about how the afternoon was all the more precious and beautiful because I knew I would have time to myself later and I recognized how short my time with my young kids really is.

But...then came time to go inside. Let's just say it was a very different scene trying to get my kids safely up the stairs and into the house. They must have gotten tired, because they were completely punch-drunk. Long story short, I ended up losing sight of the precious time I had with them and losing my temper completely. It wasn't pretty. Later, of course, I felt like the last woman on earth who should be allowed to be raising children. I felt like scum for yelling at my kids, especially my daughter.

So naturally I cried to my girlfriends. They calmed me a bit, they shared their own horror stories, they gave me perspective. And in their company, the things that were eating me up inside suddenly didn't feel so toxic. I felt hope.

Thank you, my lovely friends. The ones who received my pain tonight, and others who have been there on countless other occasions to hold me through the most trying of times. You know who you are. I love you and am so grateful for you.

You are beautiful.

30 Days of Redefining Beauty-Day 11

Today I want to encourage you, especially women out there, to see how beautiful your emotions are. Women who feel a lot, and let people know how they feel, are often criticized for being "too emotional".

What?!

How can it be a problem to feel too many emotions? I understand the point: we can't rely on our emotions when we are making critical decisions. Emotions can be highly volatile and capricious.

So tell us to make sure we know the source of our emotions and explore assumptions we may be making. That's fair. Don't tell us to shut our emotions off.

I talked to a friend today who got tears in her eyes telling me about her feelings regarding a certain situation. I actually think this was the first time I have seen this friend with tears in her eyes. She was beautiful in that moment, partly because I could see into her heart and partly because I could connect to it. That's what emotions do.

Emotions are not to be feared, even when they are making us scream and hit walls and cry for an hour. They are tools for communication. I will never understand why certain methods of communication are more highly favored than others. If we have to get a message across, we will most likely do it in the form that best fits the message to us in that moment. There needs to be much more space for relaying messages through emotion. We all need to become better interpreters of others' emotional messages.

Take what I say with a grain of salt. Obviously, there is a lot more to this issue than I want to delve into here. Let it suffice to say that I am a huge supporter of "overly emotional" women (and men, although that is rare).

Take some time to get in touch with how you are feeling right now. If you could express yourself with as much freedom as a three year old, what would you do? Giggle until you threw yourself into a coughing fit? Throw yourself on the floor and scream until you were red in the face? Explore the beauty of raw emotion and appreciate it in others. This is what separates us from computers. This is my challenge to you.

(Picture taken from http://fineartamerica.com/featured/emotional-woman-natalie-holland.html)

30 Days of Redefining Beauty-Day 9

Two moments of beauty today. And believe me, I need to dwell on them tonight.

Number 1: I took my daughter to the pet store and we watched all kinds of critters frolicking around (oh the things you can come up with on a freezing day in the city). I found myself really drawn to the textures on the animals' coats. There was this amazing dalmatian I couldn't stop looking at--aren't the patterns and contrasts on some animals just amazing?!

I also thoroughly enjoyed watching animals being groomed, losing what seemed to be pounds of matted, dirty hair and emerging so clean and light. Watching hair get shorn off relaxes me, what can I say.

Number 2: My daughter later had an old friend over for a play date. At six years old, an "old friend" means someone she hadn't seen since the end of kindergarten, last May. It was so beautiful watching her get all excited, then become almost painfully shy upon actually seeing her friend face to face, then lose all inhibitions and romp around with this girl like they were separated at birth. They really are two of a kind. It did my heart good to see my daughter interacting with another child in a way that clearly made her happy. And the changing moods and worlds of a young child are so fascinating to watch unfold.

So, puppies and kids being who they are. These things delighted me today. What delighted you today?

30 Days of Redefining Beauty: Day 4

Today I was struck by the beauty of what can happen when you open yourself up to people. A new friend spontaneously asked if she could hang out with me and my kids this afternoon, even though we haven't known each other very long. I was so glad she asked! We had a great time getting to know each other better.

Later this evening I met a great group of people from an organization called Traffick Free, as my husband was hosting a meeting in our home (which is why I was out for awhile with my kids and my new friend). After being at church this morning, attending a baby shower after church, getting to know a new friend this afternoon, and then meeting new people in my house tonight, you would think I would be exhausted right now.

The old me would have been. I used to see social encounters as barriers to my own free time. I dreaded going out; parties drained me. But now I get so refreshed and energized by being in community, whether new or familiar, that I would seriously consider communal living. I'm not kidding. There is something so freeing about learning how to be myself around people, even people I am meeting for the first time, and expecting that I will enjoy their company...and that they will enjoy mine. I never used to believe I had it in me to be social. But I see myself as part of the group now, whereas I used to be a wallflower.

What about you--are you drained or refreshed by social activity? Do you see community as a beautiful, organic thing, or simply a necessary part of living in this world?