Permission to Dress Your Self

I used to think it was shallow to think about clothes too much. In recent years I have wavered between wanting to focus on inner beauty while rebelling against a cultural emphasis on outward appearance and the contrasting desire to take care of my appearance as a way to gain confidence and assert my place in a world that often doesn't recognize my particular brand of beauty (ie, baldness).

But...I think I am at the place now where I see my outward appearance as one expression of my creative tastes. I find pleasure in coordinating colors and accessorizing, and I feel like it's okay now. In my mind, I mean. I give myself permission to either buy new clothes (usually new for me, but worn before) and put thought into nice-looking outfits, or...not. Or be somewhere in between.

In the picture above, I happened to really like what I had put together that day, so I thought I'd share. Maybe it will give you a new idea for your own artistic creation!

Khaki colored skinny pants (not jeans, but not leggings--what are these called?), loose-fitting white tank, navy cardigan, navy and white bandana (which, incidentally, has the design of a turtle because I got it at a charity race), and a brown beaded necklace with a copper leaf pendant that I made at a beading boutique. I loved this outfit because a) I wore an autumn necklace in the spring just because I love the color, b) I mixed dressy with sporty with hipster, and c) because one of my favorite color combinations is blue and brown.

Anyway, this outfit was not difficult to throw together, nor did it attract any attention, nor did it cost much. But it made me feel good to be aware of the details I had intentionally put together in ways that maybe other people wouldn't have.

For anyone who's interested...

I found a new way to tie my long pashmina scarves! These had really been a problem lately because the huge knots were causing me to stick my head forward just a bit and get neck aches. Without the knot, the weight of the long fabric hanging down my back was no better. But pashminas are so warm.

So today I finally got it. I took a scrunchie and balled up a section in the back, letting the rest hang down. It looked like this from the back:

And like this from the front: 

I think I like this scarf style because it looks like I have long hair hanging down.

So why am I writing about this? Well, I'm hoping to give someone with alopecia a new idea for how to wear a head covering. I guess I'm also just keeping a record of the steps on my journey. At this point, I'm completely bored with alopecia. I'm tired of scarves, but I can't do wigs on a daily basis. So figuring out this new tie is a bright spot. I felt pretty today, and I haven't felt pretty in awhile.

The point--often a very small change can make a big difference.

Modest Me

I love fall for so many reasons, not the least of which is this:


(from Fashionista Trends)

Fall outifts! No pressure to walk around in itsy bitsy teeny weeny non-clothes. 'Tis the season of sweaters, jeans, scarves...and minimal skin exposure.

When I was a kid, I was known for rocking the "old lady" style. Long skirts, long pants, long sleeves. Modesty to the point where family members took it upon themselves to remind me that I was a girl and could show it once in awhile.

A late, late, late bloomer, I finally started wearing tank-tops (gasp!) in college. And short shorts. Once I even walked around in a sports bra with nothing else on top. Scandalous, I know.

For the last few summers, I have actually felt pretty good about my body and my ability to wear clothes that show a lot more skin than I ever thought I'd be comfortable showing. I mean, nothing trashy. But still, my dresses were shorter than ever before, and my shoulders saw a lot more sun than usual. This summer, however, I felt overexposed. Maybe it's because I work with a lot of Muslim women, and my daughter goes to a school where so many different cultures are represented (in large part through fashion choices). Or it could be that my daughter is getting older, and I want her to be protected. Maybe it came with dressing for a professional work environment. Maybe it's just because I'm getting older. Whatever the reason, I'm getting sick of seeing skin. It takes no creativity to bare your body. But to dress modestly in a way that is still lovely and feminine? That is more artful.

(I truly hope that the picture below is not offensive to any Muslims. I only want to illustrate a point about the contrast between differing standards of clothing for women.)

Look at this picture:



Maybe it's just me, but I find the modest clothing so strikingly beautiful. An outfit like that shifts the focus from the body to the overall design.

Please understand, this is not meant to be a religious commentary. I am totally unqualified to write about Islamic codes of ethics or laws. I'm also not trying to bring judgement down on women who like to show some skin. I actually do think it's important for women of all shapes, sizes and colors to challenge the idea of which body types are "allowed" to be shown off publicly. I'm just trying to redefine what I personally see as beautiful. My own definition of what a beautiful woman "should" look like dictates my buying decisions and my level of confidence as I live in the world. I don't want to be boxed into thinking that I can only be identified as a beautiful woman if I wear clothes that reveal my feminine body.

It has been important for my growth to be able to wear clothes that make me feel lovely--and to recognize that I really do deserve to be lovely. Now I'm simply owning the fact that I really do appreciate my body enough to guard it. I realize that I actually don't want men in general to see too much of my unclothed skin.

And I really think society is coming back around to more modesty. Say what you will--a quick web search will show you that modest fashion is making a huge comeback. Not that it ever went away, but it's getting more glory now.

I'm so looking forward to putting beautiful outfits together for the fall and winter--outfits that are aesthetically pleasing, colorful, creative, and reflective of my personality and values. I'll try to post pictures of what I come up with. Until then, check these looks out!



You can't go wrong if you model your look after Princess Kate.


Why not bring the jumpsuit back?

(Check out this great modest fashion blog, Clothed Much, here.)


Sweater dress. Oh yes.

(Shop for modest fashion at Mikarose!)

Bare or covered, be beautiful you. Be true to your values.

Life's (not) a Beach

I've spent a lot of time at the beach since moving to Chicago. I feel I absolutely must write something about "beach culture", because much of my time at the beach is spent gawking, giggling, and wondering at the absurdity of what I see around me.

For example: When I got to the beach today with my son, I pulled off my shirt and shorts, revealing my bathing suit underneath. Now, I have a tankini:



Not this one, obviously (or this body), but this is the idea. Tummy covered.

And it struck me that I was stripping down for all the world to see. I began walking around in underwear, basically. Why is it that I can strut around in bikini bottoms as long as they are made of Spandex and not cotton? I could even answer my front door this way, as long as it was obvious that I was wearing a bathing suit.

As I looked around, I had to laugh at the ridiculous amount of skin I saw. Butt cheeks hanging out, cleavage front and center, bellies bare and hairy in all their glory. Don't try to tell me it's all okay because we are going in the water. These people were also going in the water:



They look like they're having fun regardless of how much fabric they're wearing!

I'm not a Puritan. I just think it's interesting how location and purpose can totally flip social norms on their heads. Although, like "dry" society, beach culture is a culture of "haves" and "have nots"--those who have bikini-worthy bodies, and those who do not (or, for guys, beach volleyball-worthy bodies...or not).

(For a fun history lesson on the bikini, check out Time's novel photo gallery!)

I wonder how many people at the beach are actually paying attention to others' bodies. With all that skin showing, are men still turning their heads every time they see a hot bikini bod? Or are women snickering and laughing at another, larger woman's attempts to fit into a cute swimsuit? The answer is...yes. The "haves", I think, look at the "have nots" and pass a quick judgment (or "haves" look at other "haves" with either desire or jealousy), while the "have nots" are at the beach to have all kinds of fun.

I find this to be true in Chicago, but I didn't feel the same way on a recent trip to California. There, life on the beach is much more an integral part of daily life in general.

Just observations. I love going to the beach, and I have actually become much more free with my swimwear. The biggest change is that I am able to go completely bald without feeling self-conscious! Which is, of course, much more cool. Interestingly, I have become much more concerned with getting a tan...but that's a topic for another post.

How do you feel when you go to the beach? Do normal rules of modesty and appropriate bodily displays go out the window? Are beachgoers somehow exempt from scrutiny? Or have we simply designated a place where it's socially acceptable to be naked?

Lastly--I found this great speech about swimwear, which some of you may have already seen, and I think it's really important to think about in terms of how we define beauty...at the beach.

The 10-Day Redefining Challenge--Day 4

Part of my routine every morning as I get dressed is to find a color thread and match it to as many aspects of my exterior as possible. If I wear a blue and brown shirt (one of my favorite color combinations), I have to line my eyelids with blue and brown. I have to find a pair of earrings that matches the shade of blue on my eyes and a pair of shoes with the exact brown hue I need. My head scarf…well, that’s the element that takes me the most time. I have to find a scarf that incorporates the colors I am already wearing. With the many prints I have, I often end up wearing a plain blue or basic brown. I don’t often get to wear my prints because they clash with my outfit. Occasionally, I choose the scarf first and an outfit to match!

My challenge for today is to choose articles of clothing, makeup, jewelry and other accessories that look and feel good…without matching each other. Mix it up. Wear two different patterns. Combine colors you would normally not put together. Wear your favorite pair of earrings regardless of whether or not they complement the outfit. Show off what you really have in your closet!
Have fun.

Send pictures to redefinelabelleza@gmail.com if you feel like sharing and inspiring others.

PS--I'm writing this post on Thursday night, so by mid-morning I will have posted a picture of my choice of expression for the day.

The 10-Day Redefining Challenge--Day 3

Before I issue today's challenge, I need to admit something. I totally failed yesterday's. Looking in mirrors and windows is such a habit for me! I need to work on that. I don't mean that my goal is to never look in a mirror again; I just mean that I need to stop taking every opportunity to glance at myself. I mean, how much can my appearance really change in half an hour?

So one of the times I looked my reflection in a window today was at work. I was wearing high heels, and for some reason today they kept slipping off the backs of my heels. I had to develop a strange sort of waddle in order to keep them on without rubbing my skin raw on the outside of my big toes. I glanced in a window at work to make sure I didn't look like I was walking with a twisted ankle. I ended up taking my shoes off as soon as I got outside and walking barefoot through campus to the parking garage (outside of which I slipped them back on--I want to be comfortable, but I also want to be tetanus-free as long as I can).

Yep, there I was in a white ruffle blouse and khaki slacks...and bare feet. It felt amazing. This may be a new routine for me--waling to and from class with no shoes! I made a choice based on comfort rather than the reactions of society at large (or at least the students and construction workers whom I passed on my shoeless journey). It reminded me of a day last week when I had to apologize to my students for being unprofessional as I donned my jacket in class. It was just so frickin' cold in the classroom!

Today's challenge is to be comfortable. Take those heels off and walk flat-footed for awhile, no matter who's looking. Wear something frumpy to work (nothing that will get you fired, of course). Don't wear eye makeup if it makes your eyes itch. Wear comfy pants, shoes that fit, shorts that don't ride up, and bras that let you breathe. And relish the feeling of freedom that comes with making a choice for YOU!


(Image taken from www.shape.com)

The 10-Day Redefining Challenge--Day 1

Today begins a 10-day challenge of redefining how we project our identity and recognize our unique beauty. Every day I will offer an experiment for you to try as you head out into a world where we live in a dichotomy made up of airbrushed magazine images on one side and the face we see in the mirror on the other. Hopefully this will be the beginning of determining our own standards of beauty and refusing to be victims of the war being waged on our hearts and minds by the media.

Today's challenge: Improvise!

You don't have to look like the Target models. You don't have to wear only what is "in style", according to whatever magazine you read or reality show you watch. One positive thing about being bald is that I literally can't worry about how to fix my hair to look like celebrities. But I do struggle with wanting to look fashionable. So, I improvise--not to be confused with compromise. I don't want to give up the style I'm comfortable in just to gain acceptance from some imagined panel of viewers whose opinion will define me. Instead, I put together a "look" using what I have, and I go flaunt it!



I am wearing a lace cap, a scarf, a ribbon, and a scrunchie all at the same time! I don't know what "look" this is, but it works for me. I dug around in my scarf basket and put together what I had. It's a mix between Bohemian, urban, and homemaker. And I think it fits me perfectly.

I challenge you to improvise a "look". Put clothes and accessories together that you have never seen on TV. Do what feels good and fun in the moment--be creative! It will work for you, I promise.

(For inspiration, check out the "Hel Looks" link on my sidebar.)

Stains

This is one of my biggest pet peeves:



Stains. Especially on brand new clothes. Especially after pulling said clothes out of the dryer with the sinking realization that the stain I treated so carefully in the wash is now set in the fabric forever.

Stains really, really bother me. When my daughter was a baby, I lived in an apartment where the laundry room was in another courtyard, across a parking lot. I usually skipped the trip and washed my baby's clothes by hand in my tub. I got that Baby Oxyclean powder(amazing stuff!!) and soaked her onesies in a bowl on my kitchen counter, then scrubbed them with detergent in the tub, wringing them out for what seemed like hours before draping them over the drying rack by the back door. If I saw that a spit up stain (or worse) had not come all the way out, I repeated the whole process over again, adding even more Oxyclean and soaking the garment for even longer.

Those days are over, thank God.

Now I have a washer and dryer at my disposal, right in my kitchen! I can literally do laundry while taking a carton of ice cream out of the freezer. Not that I've ever done it.

I find that the convenience of having my own washer and dryer has really dampened the energy and motivation I once had for treating stains. That, and the acceptance I've had to muster as I watch my kids paint every surface of the house, our furniture, and their clothes with mango juice, yogurt, BBQ sauce, ketchup, salad dressing...you get the idea.

Oddly, stains from bodily excretions come out way easier than BBQ sauce. Well thank goodness for that.

Now that my kids are older and more active, I have dirt and grass stains to deal with along with food stains. I quickly saw the futility of trying to keep new kids' clothes pristine for any length of time. So, stained they come in and stained they go back out.

BUT...not only do they stain their clothes, they also have the audacity to give me a hug during dinnertime and get some greasy, oily substance on a shirt I happen to really love. I know, serves me right for wearing anything of any value to a dinner table where kids are present.

My immediate reaction when I pull a stained shirt of mine out of the dryer is to throw it in a bag destined for the thrift store donation center. I can't look sloppy, after all. By some twisted logic in my head, there are people out there who wouldn't mind looking sloppy and buying my stained shirt for a couple dollars.

Why am I so repelled by stains? If my husband has a stain on his shirt, I get totally grossed out. He doesn't mind wearing the same shirt in the evenings at home for a week or two straight. He knows the shirt is dirty, and he knows that attempting to keep it clean is a total waste of time for him. He knows I am the only person who will see it. For him, the shirt signifies play time, a relaxing evening at home after a day in Corporate Land, perpetual snacking, and freedom to be who he wants and spend time on things that matter.

For me, his shirt signifies mess. Unkempt, slovenly mess.

Why?! Stains don't hurt. They have stories. They are like scars, except the getting of them likely caused less pain.

I heard a sermon once about living "disposable" lives. Some of us are used to trashing that which is broken and replacing it with something new. Like a toaster or a pair of shoes. How many of us take the time to mend what is broken and continue allowing that object (relationship, self image, etc.) to keep its proper place in the world and function as it was meant to function? I feel like seeing stains on my clothing wouldn't repel me so much if I were the type of person who was comfortable with imperfection and conflict.

Instead, I can't focus on anything else once I have seen a stain. I can't rest until it's either cleaned or taken out of my house. Do I do the same thing with people?

I certainly see my own "stains" all too clearly. And I try to conceal them, or I live in the angst of wanting to trade in one "suit" for a new one. If I see a stain in someone else, that mark (not without its own story, mind you) can grow in my mind's eye and come to characterize that person. It can be hard to see around the stain and take in the whole person.

Well, I am daring myself to keep my stained clothing...and wear it out. Some might say this is disrespecting myself. I'm not planning to go out in total filth; I just want to free myself from the false perfection I hide behind when it comes to my clothing. I don't want to be so careful about keeping mess off of me, because mess is where life happens.

Can't Leave Home Without It

I didn't buy myself a new Easter outfit this year. In fact, I can't remember the last time I did. Do thirty-year-olds still get to buy new Easter dresses?

I guess Easter outfits have become one of the "non-essentials". I don't really need one. I put together what I thought was a nice outfit for church yesterday, and thankfully I attend a church where clothes really don't matter. I love it.

But clothes do matter to me in general. I have tried to say they don't, but I am feeling more and more that clothes really do change how I see myself and act toward others. If I wear loafers to work, I feel like I make more mistakes in my teaching. I feel frumpy and embarrassed. But my feet are comfortable.

If I wear heeled boots to work, or heels anywhere, I have a more confident walk. I literally strut. Therefore, by some twisted logic in my head, I am able to teach and speak with more confidence.

Yesterday at church I was standing up on "stage" with the band, doing lead vocals for our Easter service. As I said, I had put together a nice outfit. Light slacks, a pretty navy peasant-style blouse, a springtime scarf, and a pearl necklace and earrings. And...my most comfortable pair of loafers. Heels just seemed too dangerous. I mean, who wants to fall up the stairs on Easter Sunday?! The problem was, I saw my reflection in a window and felt like a frump. It was hard to find a good standing posture that made me feel confident. Good thing that's not what worship is all about.

So I do have my preferred ways of dressing--I just don't want to label myself as a woman who cares about how she looks. That's not who I was up until a couple years ago. Well, that's not true--I cared a great deal about how I looked, I just didn't know how to change it. Late bloomers often don't learn the "tricks of the trade" (ie how to wear makeup or coordinate outfits and accessories) until, well, late in life.

I realized a few weeks ago how dependent I have become on my fashion choices, especially those concerning my face and head, when I rushed out of my house without earrings. I don't remember the last time I had done that before this fateful day. I ended up going all day without earrings. I felt as if I had walked out in my pajamas or something.

How is it possible for little pieces of cheap metal to have such an effect on my self-image? I don't know how. All I know is that I don't feel like a woman if I'm not wearing earrings. I'm sure it's because I have no hair. Earrings are how I prove my femininity to the world.



I will not make that mistake again.

I wish I could be free of the trappings of this world. They literally trap me. But I figure God made women complex and sensitive and yearning for beauty, so maybe it's okay that I have to wear earrings every day. They don't take a lot of my time, they really have nothing to do with modesty, and they make me feel a little better about myself in terms of relating to other people. I know earrings don't increase my value as a person, or even as a woman. They just give me enough of a boost to get out into the world and get things done.

What are your "essentials"? Is there anything you just can't leave home without?

Females

These questions are for my female readers:

*When you meet up with a good female friend, what is the first thing you comment on?

*When you see a female acquaintance in the office, or an elevator, or on the train, what do you say to them?

*When you are standing in line at the grocery store with a complete female stranger, do you feel compelled to say something? About what?

If you are like me, you could answer each question by saying "I compliment her on some aspect of her appearance, usually clothes." I can't tell you how many times I have recently caught myself (or another woman within earshot) compliment another woman on something she is wearing.

"Nice sweater. Where'd you get it?"

"Ooh, I love those shoes. Where'd you get them?"

"Those earrings look great on you. Are they homemade?"

And it goes on.

Why do we do this? Male readers, if you are still reading this, how would you answer those questions? Do you feel the need to comment on other men's clothing and accessories? Somehow, I doubt it.

So why do women do it? Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the fact that women care about building each other up--at least on the surface. I have enjoyed being on the receiving end of such comments. Most recently I have gotten tons of comments on this great headcovering my sister got me for Christmas (I think it's officially called a "snood"):



I wonder if people think I am trying to get compliments. After all, the huge flower on the side of my head clearly wants to be noticed. I choose my apparel and accessories carefully, and when people compliment me on my choice of color or my skill in coordinating patterns, I feel validated.

Is that why I similarly compliment other women on their appearance? Is it because I recognize the struggle to step out of the house with the perfect blend of confidence, comfort and identity that most women aim for when they get dressed?

Or are women just silly? Why can't we stop ourselves from constantly saying "Nice sweater", thus perpetuating the myth that women are valued for looks and not much more? Of course, when we are first meeting someone or just crossing paths, we comment on the only possible point of connection--besides the weather, maybe.

I don't know why it's been bothering me lately. Every time I give, or hear, a compliment of this sort, a voice inside me screams, "There's so much more to her/me!" Should I just relax about it? Or should we occasionally find an alternative way to build a bridge connecting our island to this other person's island, opening up endless possibilities of further connection and communication?

Any ideas?