Learning

So, I'm pretty discouraged by the permanent makeup thing. I can't find an aesthetician whose portfolio I really like. I am coming back to the reason I never did permanent makeup before: I feel like I would be stuck with one shape that wouldn't always look good to me. And I don't like the solid color brows, nor do I like the attempt at making them look like individual hairs. I can't get over my snobbish feeling that they look fake. I have seen nice ones online, but not the ones I'm looking at in my area. Is that possible? Am I being too picky?

No! This is a big deal! I'm doing this, after all, to be more confident. If I can't find a design I like, then I'm not going to do it.

There is one guy whose work looks good, but he was a jerk on the phone and he's way expensive. So right now I'm feeling like I don't want to take this step. I actually really enjoy choosing different shapes and colors. And I have learned a lot through years of drawing them on. Here's what I typically did four years ago:

(Look at my beautiful sister!)

 

Those aren't terrible, but they're not shaped very well. Now, even after having a tattoo artist draw her practice eyebrows on me, I have learned to follow my brow bones. And I have learned that perfect symmetry is not possible, nor is it necessary.

 

Here's what I drew today:

 

A little more of a shapely arch so I don't look I'm worried all the time (that's how I look in the top photo, I think). Subtle differences make all the difference. I'm also learning that I don't need to get my eyeliner right on the edge of the eyelid. That just irritates my eyes. I can draw the line a little lower. The line doesn't have to be so close that you can't see my skin. It should look like this:

 

I can practice a thinner line. (Wow, the brow in this picture looks pretty good. Too bad this place is not close to where I live. My worry is that the "hair" lines would look more like stitches than hair though.) The key to reproducing this myself is a think pencil/pen. I need to work on this...

 

Maybe I'm fooling myself, still. Maybe I think I'm doing a good job drawing brows on, but other people are thinking "Hmm, she needs help with those." Drawing your own eyebrows on is a vulnerable act. People will see you and know you hand-crafted your "look", attempting to replace what nature meant but disease stole. And people will have opinions and judgments. Not all people, but some. I'm not an artist or aesthetician, but I have to pretend to be every morning.

 

Which is why I usually do my semi-permanent tattoos from Beauty-Full Brows. But still, I have to figure out how and where to place them. Look world, here is my attempt at art.

 

I will get better. For now, I worry more about whether heat and moisture or a careless touch of the hand will erase my carefully crafted brows than the shape. Although I did just learn that I need to hold the temporary tattoos on for 3 minutes, not 1 like I have been doing. Maybe now they'll stay on longer...

 

But I do know that as of right now I feel more peace about keeping this up than getting a cosmetic tattoo. 

Fools Rush In

For the past month or so, I have been looking into permanent makeup. I have had so many people get excited for me and encourage me to go for it. So, I made an appointment and went in today.

Before I tell you how it turned out, I want to dig into the reasons for doing it. The main impetus was that I'm just tired of being ugly. There, I said it. I don't feel ugly during the day. I only feel ugly at night when I have to take off all the makeup, and then in the morning before I put my face back on. I'm so disgusted with how I look at those times that I can't look my husband in the eye. I can't post before and after photos of makeup because I can't bear the thought of people seeing the "before" and thinking, "Wow, she looks weird/sick/bad/etc.".

Another reason for taking this step is because I hate worrying about my eyebrows rubbing off if I wear a hat, go swimming, sweat, forget about them and scratch an itch, get stressed and rub my temples, etc. I thought permanent makeup would solve a lot of those problems.

So, I went in today with a friend and spent an hour getting the brows drawn on. Here's what my lady came up with:

But...

When it came time to fire up the machine, she noted that her power cord was broken. I was told I would have to reschedule.

Weirdness...she knew the cord was about to go and had ordered a new one that was due to come in next week, but didn't reschedule my appointment, nor did she check the machine before we got started. I will not be going back there.

Needless to say, I was horribly disappointed. I had finally gotten myself mentally prepared to do this, and it didn't happen.

But if I'm honest, I have to admit that I have had misgivings throughout this whole process. I am afraid of getting stuck with a shape that I end up disliking after a week. I'm afraid they will be crooked. I'm afraid they will look really...fake. And truthfully, when I went in to this place today I saw a photo book of this woman's work (which was not shown to me last week at my consultation) and I didn't like what I saw. It didn't look like what I had seen on the webpage. I had decided today to just do eyeliner, but I had her draw the eyebrows on anyway. She reassured me about the realistic look she could create (which I did see after all in one photo).

But all along I have not really believed that this would actually happen. It's just not me. I may look at other places; I already called one guy whose website I loved, but he was a conceited jerk over the phone. But in the end I will probably decide to just get eyeliner done and wait on the brows. I was going to "go for it" before I lost my nerve, but now I'm glad I am forced to take a step back and think about what I really want. I like changing the shape and color of my brows. I need to do more research on artists in the area.

Until I take the next steps, I have to accept who I am, what I look like, and what my husband says about how he sees me. This self-image stuff goes so deep, y'all.

Cryyyyyin'

This is how I wish I looked when I'm crying. Beautiful, tragic, damsel-in-distress, dark but still lovely. (I got this image from a Google search and it credited www.goodreads.com, but I couldn't find the original.)

Instead, both because I'm bald and because I'm older and stressed out all the time, this is what I look like when I cry:

Not the look I'm going for when I'm trying to get pity from someone. I guess the wrinkles and the lack of hair to hide them are what bother me here. And this is not the worst of it. This is my impression of myself crying.

Just another way that dressed up images I see influence my own reality and make me wish that I were someone else. What a tragedy that I deny my own lived experience based on my skewed version of what a beautiful person looks like.

Well, this is what I look like when I cry. I have to live with it. I'm sure no one is repulsed. When I cry, my heart is spilling out. I hope that becomes more important to me than wondering how I look to the person I'm crying to.

Brave(r)

I don't leave the house without eyeliner. When you don't have eyelashes you feel the need to fake it with makeup. I mean, why confront people with something that might make them uncomfortable? The only time I went without eyeliner was when I had pink eye. And I did my best to hide behind sunglasses for those two agonizing days.

Well, today I woke up with my eyes itching and decided to forego the eyeliner. Scarf, yes. Earrings, yes. Eyebrows, of course. But nothing around the eyes.

This takes guts for me. It seems silly, but it really takes guts. When I first lost all my hair and went back to my parents' house for a visit, I was self-conscious about walking around the house with nothing on my head or face. My mom said "You still look like you. It just looks like you have the flu." I really appreciated that comment in that moment, because I remembered that a pale face and lack of makeup doesn't change what we basically look like and how we are identified.

A few months ago, I was talking to someone (My boss maybe? I don't remember) and I was griping about having to put eyeliner on every day. She said "Well, you don't have to, but you feel more comfortable that way." I realized then that I'm not obligated to wear makeup so that other people don't have to face the awkwardness of looking at someone who has no hair. It's completely my choice.

So with those two comments in mind, I haven't put anything on today in order to give my itchy eyes a chance to breathe, irritant-free.

I did see a guy today who looked at me funny and said "Sorry, but I'm looking at--did you do something different with your eyebrows?" I immediately thought ("oh no, they're askew!"). But I think he was noticing the lack of eyeliner.

Until that little moment, and not his fault at all, I felt pretty comfortable about how I looked. I thought this morning that I don't look so bad without eyeliner.

I know that people who love me and support others with alopecia will comment and say I look beautiful no matter what. Regardless of what others say, it's very hard for me to see myself this way. But I get braver and more resilient every day.

By the way--I do think my eyebrows are askew! Haha...well, if it's not one thing it's another. Some people's eyebrows grow that way right? Stop focusing on it. ....

The Many Faces of Me

My dear uncle-in-law recently gave me the gift of sight.

At a recent family gathering, I saw people huddling over something and pointing, so naturally I was curious. As I got closer, I saw a picture of my face. And then another one. And another.

I took a minute to scan the page, and realized that every one of the hundred or so pictures I was looking at were of me. A dabbler in photography projects, my "uncle" had put together a collage of sorts out of head shots he took from my Facebook page. It was overwhelming at first. Also overwhelming was the fact that everyone had been looking at the page and picking out their favorites before I had even had a chance to see it.

But the more I looked, the more special it became to me. I have often cringed at the sight of many of these photos, but seeing them altogether was different. I was looking at a portrait of a young woman who has a good life. Each picture is a separate memory, but as a whole the pictures come together in this beautiful harmony of features. Rather than pick out my flaws, I'm forced to appreciate the many ways my face can look. I feel as if I can see myself the way others see me. This is a huge breakthrough. I don't know if this makes any sense, so I highly recommend doing a similar project to any of you who have a hard time looking at self portraits. I think you'll find beauty in "you in the context of you".

Here, I share it with you now.

The 10-Day Redefining Challenge--Day 7

I think I take myself too seriously. Seriously.

I try to be very put together and composed in social settings. I am self-conscious about my smile and laugh, so I minimize all expression when I'm with anyone other than my mom and sister. I also check and double check to make sure my appearance is impeccable; because heaven forbid I let anyone see me with a bit of food in my teeth or a drip at the end of my nose (the wonderful by-product of a sinus procedure I had done a few years ago).

But I miss the freedom of being myself, without all the rehearsal and performance. I really do feel like I am putting on an act much of the time. I try to keep myself looking classy, when I'm really kind of a mess. I stumble, I cough at odd times, I fall off piano benches at church, I pass gas every now and then, my voice cracks when I sing--in other words, I'm like all of you! And I'd like to do more than just know that in my head. I'd like to laugh at myself in a way that brings joy rather than self-deprecation. I'd like to be silly without being self-conscious.

Now, I understand there are times when being silly will get you nowhere--or may even get you fired. But most of the time, I think we could all do with a little less performance and a little more natural expression.

My challenge today is to get over ourselves. Being goofy, messy, clumsy, annoying, ditsy, or one of countless other less-than-perfect qualities is actually beautiful. These qualities speak to our common humanity and vitality. The occasional gaffe does not define us, nor does it change how people see us--at least not in the long term.

The best way I can think of to pull off this challenge is to make silly faces at myself in the mirror before I walk out the door. So I challenge you to do the same! Smile, laugh, frown, stretch, open, scrunch, skew--and see the beauty inherent in expression of all kinds. Set yourself free from the need to be perfectly composed. The less seriously you take yourself, the more you will begin to redefine your beauty in terms of your inner beauty rather than your outer "perfection".

The 10-Day Redefining Challenge--Day 5

Someone asked me yesterday why I had changed my Facebook profile picture. I had been using a picture of a drawing my daughter made of me, but I was a little bored and decided to change it to the picture I posted on this blog yesterday. As I talked with this person a little more, we discussed motives for posting certain profile pictures over other ones. We tend to choose really flattering photos to post as the representational images of ourselves. There's nothing wrong with that--we all do it, we all want to put our best face forward, we all want to make a good impression.

As I looked at my photo, I began to see all the ways in which it's actually not very flattering. The bags under my eyes, those protruding lines of my neck, the general paleness...I'm laughing about it now, but catch me on the wrong day and that picture could actually make me cry. It's not my most flattering picture. If I wanted to impress people, I might post this picture:



I have a beautiful dress on, great hair, and shadows on my face to hide the bags under my eyes! Well, sort of...

But that's not always how I look, obviously. I'm afraid to post a profile picture that really shows people how I look "at home", which is not always so flattering. Here's one my daughter snapped of me while I was playing with my son:



Yeah, not so great. I would never post that as my profile picture.

But, it is a picture of me; therefore, it is beautiful. Every picture of every person must be beautiful. We are beautiful in design, beautiful in how we move, beautiful when we are living. I just can't always see that.

My challenge for us today is to find unflattering pictures of ourselves and look at them until we find them beautiful. I don't care if it takes ten seconds or ten minutes--get to know yourself from all sides and angles, see the beauty of any shape and pose, and redefine what a "flattering" photo looks like. You don't have to go so far as to post one of these as your profile picture, but it might be freeing to do so eventually. Find a picture of yourself that makes you chuckle when you remember what was going on when it was snapped, and post it as a representation of a life-giving memory rather than as the face you want people to see.

But that might take some leading up to. For now, just have courage to look at those pictures which you usually pass over or hide behind others in the album. Stay with them until they are beautiful to you. When you get to this point, chances are good that you will finally be seeing them the way others do: without judgment.

You look...

"You look tired."

Really? I was feeling pretty good today, actually. Until now.

"Are you ok? You look upset."

Um, I was just thinking about whether to cook pasta or tacos for dinner.

"Hey, lighten up. You look like you're about to kill someone."

Nope, wrong again. Just enjoying the view out my window.



Why don't people ever tell me "You look like you're glowing today!" or "Wow, you look so refreshed!" Is it really that I look bad all the time, that I'm not getting enough sleep, that I have clinical depression and so cannot muster enough energy to keep a smile on my face? Or is it that the lines of my face were originally drawn in a certain shape, and it takes a lot to align them in a way that fits people's idea of what a "happy person" looks like? Yes, I feel down much of the time. But I also feel good and contented quite often. Yesterday I had a great class in the morning and I was feeling pretty good about the day, but then a colleague hit me with that first line: "You look tired." I did have a rough weekend, so maybe it takes more than a good morning to counteract the effects of two really hard days. Maybe now that I'm in my thirties, I can't spend a whole evening crying and expect my face to show no signs of it the next morning.

(The story of why I was crying is not relevant. No worries, it's nothing too serious. Just beating myself up over a mistake I made. I'm slowly getting over it.)

Okay, to satisfy your curiosity, this is my face when I am not thinking or feeling anything--just letting my face fall as it may:



Do I look mad? Depressed? Bored?

Here I am thinking about something irritating:



Hmm...not too different. It's funny, I just snapped these pics and didn't look at them too closely. It felt like I was really making an effort to show my irritation, but you can't really see that.

Okay, well here I am thinking of something light and happy:



See, again I really felt my smile muscles stretching. I totally felt like I had a big grin on my face, but it looks like a forced smile in this picture.

I am so afraid of being over-the-top, of people thinking that I'm trying to attract attention to myself, that I rein my expressions in to err on the side of masking my feelings. That, or I really do have the "flat affect" that is commonly seen in people with depression. It takes A LOT for me to show strong feelings on my face, no matter how I may be processing on the inside.

But is that okay? Do I need to walk around with a smile stretched across my face in order to make others feel more comfortable around me? The thought of that just exhausts me. Maybe someday, with therapy and medication, I will be able to break into a smile that can light up a room, or a scowl that makes my enemies scurry into hiding. For now, I'm just ho-hum me. I enjoy life enough. I make an effort to let people know that I am happy for them or hurting for them, and then I come home and crash from the sheer weight of my own face. That's a burden I have to live with right now.

What does your face tell the world?