Caring More for Shade

Do you know the story of Jonah? From the Bible? Jonah warned a city full of bad people that if they didn't get it together and change their ways they would be destroyed. They did change, and God showed mercy. Jonah didn't think they deserved it though. He sat and waited to watch the city burn, and he got hot. He complained with depth of feeling about how hot he was and how the shade tree God had made to cool him off had withered, thus failing to serve its purpose. God pointed out to Jonah that he was way more bothered at the prospect of losing his shade than that of an entire city of fellow human beings being put to death.

Today is World Day Against Child Labor. While researching it enough to ease my conscience and post some websites to Facebook as a concerned world citizen, I realized that one of my earrings was missing. One half of my favorite pair:

 

I told myself it didn't matter. I told myself to think of the children in forced labor around the world. But it remained in the back of my mind.

 

Favorite earrings vs. empathy for suffering. I think earrings won.

 

 I found the earring later on the floor. But not until I had been out running around with no earrings on, which is a big deal for someone with no hair trying to look feminine. This sounds incredibly stupid now that I'm writing it, but it just goes to show how easy it is to care about the wrong things. The trivial things. The self-centered things.

 

I need to allow the needs of others to matter more and stir my thoughts and guts more than a lost accessory. Sounds trite, but it's so simple that it signifies a great truth.

 

I know I sound pretty hard on myself, but this matters. I'm not going to sit in guilt, but I am going to do what I can: I will try, as I've tried before and failed to maintain, to check the origin of products I buy to make sure I'm not contributing to abusive labor practices. And I will practice feeling. I will practice empathy. I will notice my reactions.

 



Learning

So, I'm pretty discouraged by the permanent makeup thing. I can't find an aesthetician whose portfolio I really like. I am coming back to the reason I never did permanent makeup before: I feel like I would be stuck with one shape that wouldn't always look good to me. And I don't like the solid color brows, nor do I like the attempt at making them look like individual hairs. I can't get over my snobbish feeling that they look fake. I have seen nice ones online, but not the ones I'm looking at in my area. Is that possible? Am I being too picky?

No! This is a big deal! I'm doing this, after all, to be more confident. If I can't find a design I like, then I'm not going to do it.

There is one guy whose work looks good, but he was a jerk on the phone and he's way expensive. So right now I'm feeling like I don't want to take this step. I actually really enjoy choosing different shapes and colors. And I have learned a lot through years of drawing them on. Here's what I typically did four years ago:

(Look at my beautiful sister!)

 

Those aren't terrible, but they're not shaped very well. Now, even after having a tattoo artist draw her practice eyebrows on me, I have learned to follow my brow bones. And I have learned that perfect symmetry is not possible, nor is it necessary.

 

Here's what I drew today:

 

A little more of a shapely arch so I don't look I'm worried all the time (that's how I look in the top photo, I think). Subtle differences make all the difference. I'm also learning that I don't need to get my eyeliner right on the edge of the eyelid. That just irritates my eyes. I can draw the line a little lower. The line doesn't have to be so close that you can't see my skin. It should look like this:

 

I can practice a thinner line. (Wow, the brow in this picture looks pretty good. Too bad this place is not close to where I live. My worry is that the "hair" lines would look more like stitches than hair though.) The key to reproducing this myself is a think pencil/pen. I need to work on this...

 

Maybe I'm fooling myself, still. Maybe I think I'm doing a good job drawing brows on, but other people are thinking "Hmm, she needs help with those." Drawing your own eyebrows on is a vulnerable act. People will see you and know you hand-crafted your "look", attempting to replace what nature meant but disease stole. And people will have opinions and judgments. Not all people, but some. I'm not an artist or aesthetician, but I have to pretend to be every morning.

 

Which is why I usually do my semi-permanent tattoos from Beauty-Full Brows. But still, I have to figure out how and where to place them. Look world, here is my attempt at art.

 

I will get better. For now, I worry more about whether heat and moisture or a careless touch of the hand will erase my carefully crafted brows than the shape. Although I did just learn that I need to hold the temporary tattoos on for 3 minutes, not 1 like I have been doing. Maybe now they'll stay on longer...

 

But I do know that as of right now I feel more peace about keeping this up than getting a cosmetic tattoo. 

Fools Rush In

For the past month or so, I have been looking into permanent makeup. I have had so many people get excited for me and encourage me to go for it. So, I made an appointment and went in today.

Before I tell you how it turned out, I want to dig into the reasons for doing it. The main impetus was that I'm just tired of being ugly. There, I said it. I don't feel ugly during the day. I only feel ugly at night when I have to take off all the makeup, and then in the morning before I put my face back on. I'm so disgusted with how I look at those times that I can't look my husband in the eye. I can't post before and after photos of makeup because I can't bear the thought of people seeing the "before" and thinking, "Wow, she looks weird/sick/bad/etc.".

Another reason for taking this step is because I hate worrying about my eyebrows rubbing off if I wear a hat, go swimming, sweat, forget about them and scratch an itch, get stressed and rub my temples, etc. I thought permanent makeup would solve a lot of those problems.

So, I went in today with a friend and spent an hour getting the brows drawn on. Here's what my lady came up with:

But...

When it came time to fire up the machine, she noted that her power cord was broken. I was told I would have to reschedule.

Weirdness...she knew the cord was about to go and had ordered a new one that was due to come in next week, but didn't reschedule my appointment, nor did she check the machine before we got started. I will not be going back there.

Needless to say, I was horribly disappointed. I had finally gotten myself mentally prepared to do this, and it didn't happen.

But if I'm honest, I have to admit that I have had misgivings throughout this whole process. I am afraid of getting stuck with a shape that I end up disliking after a week. I'm afraid they will be crooked. I'm afraid they will look really...fake. And truthfully, when I went in to this place today I saw a photo book of this woman's work (which was not shown to me last week at my consultation) and I didn't like what I saw. It didn't look like what I had seen on the webpage. I had decided today to just do eyeliner, but I had her draw the eyebrows on anyway. She reassured me about the realistic look she could create (which I did see after all in one photo).

But all along I have not really believed that this would actually happen. It's just not me. I may look at other places; I already called one guy whose website I loved, but he was a conceited jerk over the phone. But in the end I will probably decide to just get eyeliner done and wait on the brows. I was going to "go for it" before I lost my nerve, but now I'm glad I am forced to take a step back and think about what I really want. I like changing the shape and color of my brows. I need to do more research on artists in the area.

Until I take the next steps, I have to accept who I am, what I look like, and what my husband says about how he sees me. This self-image stuff goes so deep, y'all.

Permission to Dress Your Self

I used to think it was shallow to think about clothes too much. In recent years I have wavered between wanting to focus on inner beauty while rebelling against a cultural emphasis on outward appearance and the contrasting desire to take care of my appearance as a way to gain confidence and assert my place in a world that often doesn't recognize my particular brand of beauty (ie, baldness).

But...I think I am at the place now where I see my outward appearance as one expression of my creative tastes. I find pleasure in coordinating colors and accessorizing, and I feel like it's okay now. In my mind, I mean. I give myself permission to either buy new clothes (usually new for me, but worn before) and put thought into nice-looking outfits, or...not. Or be somewhere in between.

In the picture above, I happened to really like what I had put together that day, so I thought I'd share. Maybe it will give you a new idea for your own artistic creation!

Khaki colored skinny pants (not jeans, but not leggings--what are these called?), loose-fitting white tank, navy cardigan, navy and white bandana (which, incidentally, has the design of a turtle because I got it at a charity race), and a brown beaded necklace with a copper leaf pendant that I made at a beading boutique. I loved this outfit because a) I wore an autumn necklace in the spring just because I love the color, b) I mixed dressy with sporty with hipster, and c) because one of my favorite color combinations is blue and brown.

Anyway, this outfit was not difficult to throw together, nor did it attract any attention, nor did it cost much. But it made me feel good to be aware of the details I had intentionally put together in ways that maybe other people wouldn't have.

Cryyyyyin'

This is how I wish I looked when I'm crying. Beautiful, tragic, damsel-in-distress, dark but still lovely. (I got this image from a Google search and it credited www.goodreads.com, but I couldn't find the original.)

Instead, both because I'm bald and because I'm older and stressed out all the time, this is what I look like when I cry:

Not the look I'm going for when I'm trying to get pity from someone. I guess the wrinkles and the lack of hair to hide them are what bother me here. And this is not the worst of it. This is my impression of myself crying.

Just another way that dressed up images I see influence my own reality and make me wish that I were someone else. What a tragedy that I deny my own lived experience based on my skewed version of what a beautiful person looks like.

Well, this is what I look like when I cry. I have to live with it. I'm sure no one is repulsed. When I cry, my heart is spilling out. I hope that becomes more important to me than wondering how I look to the person I'm crying to.

Guest Spot: Redefining the Home Workout

I want to post something a little different today. Many of us want to be in shape and healthy but are intimidated by going to a gym (or find other excuses not to). This article gives tips on how to create a home workout program that really fits your needs and feels good! I know I sound like an infomercial--I'm not trying to. I mostly want to expand the topics addressed on this blog, get you to share it, and give a plug for Healthline, because they have really helpful articles on everything from depression to GI issues to camel-borne diseases.

So please enjoy!

(Disclaimer: I was sent this article in November 2013. Embarrassingly, I didn't get my butt in gear to post it until now.)

Healthline: https://www.facebook.com/healthlinenetworks

Replace that Gym Membership with an At-Home Program

 

It’s a breeze to design a home gym or program, and save a ton of money in the process. Working out doesn’t have to be expensive, nor does it require sophisticated equipment.  You might even be surprised that everything that will help you get in shape can be found right in your home.

 

Working out at home is certainly more convenient. Getting up and being able to work out right away without getting ready and driving to the gym is an enormous time saver.  Sometimes the routine of getting dressed in your workout gear and traveling to the gym can take an hour out of the day… and that doesn’t even include the workout itself.  Working out at home gets it done without even thinking about it. All you need is 30-minutes a day to fit in that everyday fitness session.

Aerobic Exercises

Before you do anything, you need a good pair of athletic shoes.  Jogging around the neighborhood in the morning is outstanding for your cardiovascular health, and is plenty for your daily exercise regimen.  If jogging isn’t your thing, a good jump rope is equally as challenging, and provides the same benefits as sprinting intervals. Swimming, walking and even using your stairs will also work.  Using the steps in your home, also called step training, will tone your leg muscles and give you some low impact aerobic exercise as well. If you don't have any stairs, just walk around the house several times. 5000 steps is 2.5 miles of walking.  And 10,000 steps….you guessed it...5 miles.

 

Equipment-Free Muscle Strengthening and Toning

 

In addition to cardiovascular exercises, strength training is key for optimal fitness, and once again, you can achieve this right in the comfort of your home without equipment. Squats are great for the buttocks and legs. You can do squats simply by sitting and standing up in reputation from a regular chair. As long as you’re able to do a few repetitions, you will be providing some benefit to your lower body and your core. Jumping Jacks really give you a good leg burn as well as providing some great cardio training.  Finally, leg lifts are outstanding for strengthening your quads and hamstrings. 

 

Crunches are the best exercise for building up and strengthening abdominal muscles. Do these so you begin to feel the stretching of the muscles. And if you want to add a little additional weight to your reps, locate some household items like milk gallons or soup cans.  These will provide you enough weight to tax those muscle fibers.

 

For the upper body, a staple exercise is the pushup. This exercise literally works every upper-body muscle from your torso to your arms, chest, back and shoulders. And even though this exercise might not be for everyone, varying methods of this exercise are easier and provide fantastic strength training.  For example, do pushups against a wall or on your knees, instead of keeping your legs straight. 

 

When to Use Equipment

 

If you really want to use equipment, you can buy a workout machine and station it in your living room or in the garage. You can get a lot of exercises from all-purpose machines like the Total Body Workout brand and the Nautilus brand.  These type of machines will do it all. A small set of dumbbells or a kettlebell are also nice to have for isolating those arm muscles and working your core, and an exercise ball can be helpful when you want to stretch, do ab workouts or even yoga.

Fitting in some daily exercise is crucial for your lasting wellness, and being able to do it at home is a huge time saver. You don’t need to go out and join a fitness club or buy expensive equipment. Use what you have in your house, and work out at home. 

 

If you want to invest in an all-purpose strength machines, there are plenty of people selling their used machines.  You can find a ton of these on eBay or Craigslist. Having a home gym is easy and convenient.  You’ll be more likely to keep up with fitness if you don’t have to spend a lot of time getting ready for it or traveling to it. Additionally, working out while being comfortable in your own home will provide you motivation to maintain a steady routine without quickly losing interest, or being intimidated by the gym.

 

 

 

David Novak is a syndicated newspaper columnist, appearing in newspapers, magazines, radio and TV around the world. His byline has appeared in several national publications including USA Today, Reader’s Digest and Newsweek. David is a specialist in the areas of  health, exercise, diet and wellness, and he is a regular contributing editor for Healthline. For more information, visit http://www.healthline.com/.

 

 

 

Let your bald down...

"Mommy, why does Elsa let her hair down?"

Yes, why does she? A woman who wants to be "free" always lets her hair down. It's coiled up tight, restricted, and then with one swift move it cascades out and is flung about by a carefree wind. 8

I wish I knew what that feels like. For me, breaking free from expectations and being who I was meant to be looks more like unwrapping a scarf and throwing it into the wind, revealing a bald head.

Not quite the same effect.

The problem is that I need more visuals that reflect my experience. I need more "movie moments" in my head where a woman is standing bald and proud, letting the world see her skin instead of a wild rush of hair.

Maybe it's time for another photo shoot....