Permission to Dress Your Self

I used to think it was shallow to think about clothes too much. In recent years I have wavered between wanting to focus on inner beauty while rebelling against a cultural emphasis on outward appearance and the contrasting desire to take care of my appearance as a way to gain confidence and assert my place in a world that often doesn't recognize my particular brand of beauty (ie, baldness).

But...I think I am at the place now where I see my outward appearance as one expression of my creative tastes. I find pleasure in coordinating colors and accessorizing, and I feel like it's okay now. In my mind, I mean. I give myself permission to either buy new clothes (usually new for me, but worn before) and put thought into nice-looking outfits, or...not. Or be somewhere in between.

In the picture above, I happened to really like what I had put together that day, so I thought I'd share. Maybe it will give you a new idea for your own artistic creation!

Khaki colored skinny pants (not jeans, but not leggings--what are these called?), loose-fitting white tank, navy cardigan, navy and white bandana (which, incidentally, has the design of a turtle because I got it at a charity race), and a brown beaded necklace with a copper leaf pendant that I made at a beading boutique. I loved this outfit because a) I wore an autumn necklace in the spring just because I love the color, b) I mixed dressy with sporty with hipster, and c) because one of my favorite color combinations is blue and brown.

Anyway, this outfit was not difficult to throw together, nor did it attract any attention, nor did it cost much. But it made me feel good to be aware of the details I had intentionally put together in ways that maybe other people wouldn't have.

Cryyyyyin'

This is how I wish I looked when I'm crying. Beautiful, tragic, damsel-in-distress, dark but still lovely. (I got this image from a Google search and it credited www.goodreads.com, but I couldn't find the original.)

Instead, both because I'm bald and because I'm older and stressed out all the time, this is what I look like when I cry:

Not the look I'm going for when I'm trying to get pity from someone. I guess the wrinkles and the lack of hair to hide them are what bother me here. And this is not the worst of it. This is my impression of myself crying.

Just another way that dressed up images I see influence my own reality and make me wish that I were someone else. What a tragedy that I deny my own lived experience based on my skewed version of what a beautiful person looks like.

Well, this is what I look like when I cry. I have to live with it. I'm sure no one is repulsed. When I cry, my heart is spilling out. I hope that becomes more important to me than wondering how I look to the person I'm crying to.

Guest Spot: Redefining the Home Workout

I want to post something a little different today. Many of us want to be in shape and healthy but are intimidated by going to a gym (or find other excuses not to). This article gives tips on how to create a home workout program that really fits your needs and feels good! I know I sound like an infomercial--I'm not trying to. I mostly want to expand the topics addressed on this blog, get you to share it, and give a plug for Healthline, because they have really helpful articles on everything from depression to GI issues to camel-borne diseases.

So please enjoy!

(Disclaimer: I was sent this article in November 2013. Embarrassingly, I didn't get my butt in gear to post it until now.)

Healthline: https://www.facebook.com/healthlinenetworks

Replace that Gym Membership with an At-Home Program

 

It’s a breeze to design a home gym or program, and save a ton of money in the process. Working out doesn’t have to be expensive, nor does it require sophisticated equipment.  You might even be surprised that everything that will help you get in shape can be found right in your home.

 

Working out at home is certainly more convenient. Getting up and being able to work out right away without getting ready and driving to the gym is an enormous time saver.  Sometimes the routine of getting dressed in your workout gear and traveling to the gym can take an hour out of the day… and that doesn’t even include the workout itself.  Working out at home gets it done without even thinking about it. All you need is 30-minutes a day to fit in that everyday fitness session.

Aerobic Exercises

Before you do anything, you need a good pair of athletic shoes.  Jogging around the neighborhood in the morning is outstanding for your cardiovascular health, and is plenty for your daily exercise regimen.  If jogging isn’t your thing, a good jump rope is equally as challenging, and provides the same benefits as sprinting intervals. Swimming, walking and even using your stairs will also work.  Using the steps in your home, also called step training, will tone your leg muscles and give you some low impact aerobic exercise as well. If you don't have any stairs, just walk around the house several times. 5000 steps is 2.5 miles of walking.  And 10,000 steps….you guessed it...5 miles.

 

Equipment-Free Muscle Strengthening and Toning

 

In addition to cardiovascular exercises, strength training is key for optimal fitness, and once again, you can achieve this right in the comfort of your home without equipment. Squats are great for the buttocks and legs. You can do squats simply by sitting and standing up in reputation from a regular chair. As long as you’re able to do a few repetitions, you will be providing some benefit to your lower body and your core. Jumping Jacks really give you a good leg burn as well as providing some great cardio training.  Finally, leg lifts are outstanding for strengthening your quads and hamstrings. 

 

Crunches are the best exercise for building up and strengthening abdominal muscles. Do these so you begin to feel the stretching of the muscles. And if you want to add a little additional weight to your reps, locate some household items like milk gallons or soup cans.  These will provide you enough weight to tax those muscle fibers.

 

For the upper body, a staple exercise is the pushup. This exercise literally works every upper-body muscle from your torso to your arms, chest, back and shoulders. And even though this exercise might not be for everyone, varying methods of this exercise are easier and provide fantastic strength training.  For example, do pushups against a wall or on your knees, instead of keeping your legs straight. 

 

When to Use Equipment

 

If you really want to use equipment, you can buy a workout machine and station it in your living room or in the garage. You can get a lot of exercises from all-purpose machines like the Total Body Workout brand and the Nautilus brand.  These type of machines will do it all. A small set of dumbbells or a kettlebell are also nice to have for isolating those arm muscles and working your core, and an exercise ball can be helpful when you want to stretch, do ab workouts or even yoga.

Fitting in some daily exercise is crucial for your lasting wellness, and being able to do it at home is a huge time saver. You don’t need to go out and join a fitness club or buy expensive equipment. Use what you have in your house, and work out at home. 

 

If you want to invest in an all-purpose strength machines, there are plenty of people selling their used machines.  You can find a ton of these on eBay or Craigslist. Having a home gym is easy and convenient.  You’ll be more likely to keep up with fitness if you don’t have to spend a lot of time getting ready for it or traveling to it. Additionally, working out while being comfortable in your own home will provide you motivation to maintain a steady routine without quickly losing interest, or being intimidated by the gym.

 

 

 

David Novak is a syndicated newspaper columnist, appearing in newspapers, magazines, radio and TV around the world. His byline has appeared in several national publications including USA Today, Reader’s Digest and Newsweek. David is a specialist in the areas of  health, exercise, diet and wellness, and he is a regular contributing editor for Healthline. For more information, visit http://www.healthline.com/.

 

 

 

Let your bald down...

"Mommy, why does Elsa let her hair down?"

Yes, why does she? A woman who wants to be "free" always lets her hair down. It's coiled up tight, restricted, and then with one swift move it cascades out and is flung about by a carefree wind. 8

I wish I knew what that feels like. For me, breaking free from expectations and being who I was meant to be looks more like unwrapping a scarf and throwing it into the wind, revealing a bald head.

Not quite the same effect.

The problem is that I need more visuals that reflect my experience. I need more "movie moments" in my head where a woman is standing bald and proud, letting the world see her skin instead of a wild rush of hair.

Maybe it's time for another photo shoot....

Baby, It's Me

 

Don't label people.

 

I don't know how else to begin except by jumping into this. Although the problem of "beauty in baldness" is my reason for this blog, I want to write about the problem that is really closest to my heart:

 

Mental illness.

 

If you suffer from a mental illness, you will be labeled. People will look at you and see nothing but your illness.

Everything will go through that filter. If you get angry, which you often will because any emotion you feel is attributed to your ill brain rather than your heart-felt experience, any action you take based on that anger will be seen as exaggerated, and if you really lose your temper as many people do, those actions will be seen as dangerous, threatening, possibly psychotic. Never mind that many people lose their temper; yours is to be feared.

If you cry, you are over-emotional. If you lose your temper with your child, who by the way is physically attacking you in a temper tantrum out of his or her control due to another illness, you are not to be trusted to care for your child.

No doubt, a mental illness (depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder) really does change how you view the world and your power within it. But people struggling bravely with mental illness have as much right to express emotion as people struggling with mere "normal life". In fact, I would argue that we "crazy" people are more in tune with ourselves than those who have no idea what mental illness feels like.

But labelling us and predicting that we will lose control? That gets into our psyche and tells us that we will, in fact, lose control. That we can't, in fact, be trusted.

I really have a hard time believing caring people who tell me that the struggles in my life and family are not all my fault. Instead, I keep trying to find new therapies, workbooks, projects and prayers that will finally "work" to get me well so that peace can be restored to my chaotic home and love to my dysfunctional relationships. But I've tried it all--individual counseling of all kinds, group therapy, prayer groups, girl's nights out, pills and more pills...and I still lose my temper and cry when I feel sad. Go figure.

So what else can I do? I don't know how else to make people see me and not my illness. Or my baldness. Or my teaching. Or any other one part of me. I am a whole. And my experience of life is real.

I feel like the tree in the picture up there. I am standing alone, looking at a world filled with life, activity, excitement, and potential for love. But I can't move from my spot, stuck by my roots. I will bloom and be beautiful, but then I will droop again when the season calls for it. And people will walk by, assuming I am bound by my nature.

This is how I'm feeling today, reeling after recent days of difficult circumstances and hurtful words carelessly thrown around by me and others. I have other days when I'm feeling like my spot near the city is sacred ground, where I have my shape and my purpose and my beautiful view, and that I provide a place where people can see beauty and gather and feel inspiration.

Both of those experiences are valid and part of me. Not to be feared, not to be labeled, not to be walled off. I, like everyone, want to be loved. I am learning to understand how I am loved by God. Understanding how to love myself so I can love others? Well, that's much harder.

But I will get there. We all can. That's the beauty of life--we are constantly blooming and maturing and changing. Even when the leaves fall to the ground, the process of creation is playing out how it should.





I'm prettier than...

We have got to stop with the comparative statements of beauty.

"She's prettier than me."
"I wish I had her hair."
"If I had her legs, I would get a lot more attention."
"Man, look at that guy's biceps. Maybe I should start working out."
"I wish I could afford to look like that."
"How many people in this room look better than me?"
"How many people in this room do I look better than?"

It never ends. We seem to have constructed a continuum of beauty that we place ourselves and others on. But who decided the parameters?

I'm not as pretty as her:

(Meteorite ring model)

But am I prettier than her?


I'll get to the website where I got the second picture in a minute. First, I want to say that this is crap. Yes, I buy it and make these comparisons in my head all the time. But they are crap! The first woman is beautiful, no question. She has been worked on and made to look exceptional. The second woman has not had any enhancements. But does that mean she's not pretty?

This picture comes from a really great blog in which the author asks this and other questions of great importance. Please go read it.

The next time you find yourself comparing your attractiveness to someone else's, try describing particular features of theirs. Look at their hair and describe it to yourself: "She/he has thick, curly hair of such-and-such color." Then, describe your own: "I have thick, straight hair of such-and-such color." Then ask questions: "My hair gets frizzy in humid weather. I wonder if hers does? It must, because humidity naturally changes certain physical elements, like hair. It's science. I wonder how many times she had to brush her hair? I brushed mine 25 times."

Then look at their eyes. "His eyes are clear blue. The sun changes them in such-and-such way. My eyes are dark brown. The sun changes them in such-and-such way. I wonder if that person is wearing contacts? I am not, but I often feel like squinting. I wonder if he ever has to squint? I bet he does."

What I'm getting at is that since we naturally compare ourselves to others, we should use less subjective language and look more objectively at the differences between people. They are just differences. Noses come in all different shapes. Sometimes, these shapes give information about where we come from. Sometimes, these shapes give information about what we spend our money on. We all have different shoulders. Again, these can give information about our work, our heritage, or our health issues. They are just differences.

Actually, it can be kind of fun to look at people this way. You might start seeing beauty in the variations of the human form. You might start seeing faces equalize on the "continuum". You might start appreciating your own features individually and as the whole they make up.

So, the first woman is beautiful, the second woman is beautiful, I am beautiful, and you are beautiful. Why? Because we came from God's imagination, and when we stop to think about our intricacies and the threads we represent in the human tapestry, we have no choice but to be moved and awed by the gift we are to the world. Without our unique features, the tapestry would have a little flaw.

We don't have flaws that make us unattractive. The flaw would be if we didn't take our place in the spectrum of human beauty. The difference between a continuum and a spectrum is that a continuum starts at one point and moves forward to a final point (i.e. ugliness to beauty), while a spectrum allows different shades to be displayed in relation to the ones nearest. We can notice similarities in our features to others in our ethnic group or fashion club and differences between ourselves and people who really do look and dress vastly different, but that kind of comparison does not necessitate one being superior or more advanced than another.

Food for thought.

What They're Missing

Alopecia has a ripple effect. First and obviously, it affected me. I lost my hair, I suffered trauma from that which has yet to be fully dealt with, I have to grit my teeth and face the world bald every day.

From there, my immediate family has been affected. Two examples: first, on the night we discovered the Photo Booth app on our iPad, my husband and I were sitting on the couch with his sister and brother-in-law, and we were trying out all the funny distortions. My bald head standing out so brightly as we pointed the camera at ourselves was just too much for me to take. I couldn't look at the pictures. Then, of course we had to do the funny kaleidoscope effect, so the image of my white skull was multiplied and magnified. And I was...horrified.

The other example is not an event but a realization. Scrolling through Facebook today, I saw that many friends of mine took Easter family photos and posted them over the last few days. My husband asked why we didn't take one. Now, I'm not the kind of person whose mind immediately goes to "Let's take a picture" whenever there is an occasion to dress up or a special event happening. But since I lost my hair, the idea of a family photo instills a little fear. How will I look? Will I ruin the picture, either because my head is so white and unnatural-looking or because my scarf doesn't fit the occasion? On Easter Sunday I wore a cute new (from a secondhand store) yellow lace dress with a navy cardigan and navy flats. I was so excited to have put a new Easter outfit together, for the first time in years, that I forgot to plan what I would wear on my head. On Easter morning, it hit me that I had no scarves to match my outfit. I really didn't want to wear a wig though, because I had to be up front at church and I didn't want people to be distracted by the fact that I suddenly had a great head of hair. I settled for a beige scarf that didn't match at all but didn't clash so bad that it hurt the eyes to look at.

But now our family has no Easter photo to post. There are a lot of family photos we haven't posted because I don't want to be in them.

Moving outward, my alopecia has affected extended family and friends, largely for the reasons mentioned above. But also, as the ripples spread out concentrically, every person I come in contact with is affected by my alopecia because it is confrontational. It forces people to hesitate when they regard me, trying to decide whether or not to ask about my scarf or bald head. It gives people pause when they begin to talk about their bad hair days or the celebrity whose hair they envy. It makes people uncomfortable, even if to a very small degree and even if only for a brief moment.

I have, for a long time, wanted to keep the pain of this disorder for myself. My alopecia has been mine alone to suffer from. I have denied those around me the opportunity to voice what they have lost or felt because of this thing that happened to me. But I think it might(?) help me to allow others to come inside my grief bubble and sit with me. It may be easier to get out of it with the strength of a crowd.