For anyone who's interested...

I found a new way to tie my long pashmina scarves! These had really been a problem lately because the huge knots were causing me to stick my head forward just a bit and get neck aches. Without the knot, the weight of the long fabric hanging down my back was no better. But pashminas are so warm.

So today I finally got it. I took a scrunchie and balled up a section in the back, letting the rest hang down. It looked like this from the back:

And like this from the front: 

I think I like this scarf style because it looks like I have long hair hanging down.

So why am I writing about this? Well, I'm hoping to give someone with alopecia a new idea for how to wear a head covering. I guess I'm also just keeping a record of the steps on my journey. At this point, I'm completely bored with alopecia. I'm tired of scarves, but I can't do wigs on a daily basis. So figuring out this new tie is a bright spot. I felt pretty today, and I haven't felt pretty in awhile.

The point--often a very small change can make a big difference.

Poster Child for Nothing

Do you have any idea how many adventures I shy away from just because I can't imagine myself doing them bald?

I went camping in Wyoming the summer before last, and the thought that consumed me for days beforehand was "How will I keep up my looks?" By "looks" I mean a covered head, eyebrows and eyeliner. My husband and I are half-heartedly thinking about anniversary trips for this summer, and every time a possible location is brought up, I can only think about how the pictures will look with "bald me" in them. I don't want to see "bald me" waking up from a night in a tent to go on a sunrise hike, doing water sports, dancing in a Paris square, or any other activity that I have seen in poster ads or Instagram pics.

Because the pictures look like this:

(http://www.familyvacationcritic.com/10-best-water-sports-resorts/art/)

(http://www.globalpost.com/dispatch/france/100728/vacation-economy)

No matter how comfortable I am with my baldness in my daily life, I may always have a problem with these images of women doing exciting and lovely things...with hair. They look feminine, natural, healthy...and I don't. Can you imagine any of these images with a bald woman in them? 

Let's see if I can find any: 

Here's a cute one in Rome-

(http://romethesecondtime.blogspot.com/2010/07/who-was-that-bald-woman-in-monti.html)

And that's about all I can find. I'm sure a more thorough search would produce more, but a quick Google Images search didn't turn up many pictures of bald woman being adventurous, sporty, sexy, or romantic. 

I don't want my alopecia to stop me from enjoying life. I don't want a vacation to go undocumented because I hate how I look on camera with no hair and no makeup. I don't want to decide where I go based on how appropriate or inappropriate my scarves would look. 

But, that's where I am right now. Travel is different when I have to think about whether to pack a wig and how I would keep it from getting misshapen. 

What is your biggest travel worry?

I'm here, I'm staying

I went into a dressing room today and had a minor shock when I saw my reflection in the mirror. Washed out face, dark circles under my eyes, eyeliner rubbed off, wrinkles around my eyes and mouth that I'm sure weren't there yesterday. The lighting is never gentle in fitting rooms. Maybe it works for the clothes, but it does nothing for the face. I thought I was looking at my ghost.

And then I got over it! Mind you, I was in one of those stores, and picking out one of those pairs of jeans, where I would normally feel like I didn't belong if I didn't look totally hot already when I walked in the door.

But today I acknowledged the fact that I am older than I used to be, I'm a mother of two, I've had some minor health issues lately, and I'm at the tail end (I hope) of a harsher winter than I have endured in a long time. Maybe ever.

And I want a cute pair of jeans, no matter what I look like in that damn mirror.

Of course my skin will not look like a Cover Girl ad. Sadly, I don't carry an airbrush in my car. I still have every right to be in a hip store. And I accepted that today without shame.

I think this is a good step. Feeling like I deserve to be where I am. That I don't have to "fit the part" in order to allow myself to fully participate.

Tell me--where are those places that make you doubt your worth? Next time you go to one, take a minute to acknowledge the imagined "flaws" that feel very real to you, accept that you have them, and then let those thoughts pass right on through. Do what you went there to do.

Shifting

Maybe it's boredom, maybe it's maturity, maybe it's self-love. Whatever it is, I feel a shift in how I see myself--at least for now, and at least at home.

I have gotten so fed up with my scarves. The tying, the constant repositioning, the annoying sense of restriction that comes with constantly carrying a pile of fabric on my head. When I'm at home, I don't want to wear anything on my head.

The problem is, I am more self-conscious in front of my husband than I am in front of anyone else. But lately, I have watched myself in the mirror as I take my scarf off, and I end up liking how my bald head looks even better than the scarf. This is a new thing.

Baldness and fashion. I think part of this shift in thinking is that I'm not just seeing my bald head, but I'm seeing how my bald head works or doesn't work with my outfit. My theory? Summer fashions need scarves and hats because there is already so much skin showing. But my bald head looks sleek and daring when I'm wearing winter clothes.

Here's what I'm wearing today:

 Not bad, not bad. But when I take the scarf off? Look:

Pop! Pow! You can see my earrings, my neck looks sexy rather than flabby, and my eyes get more light!

Okay, maybe this wasn't really a good example, since I happen to love how that scarf looks with this shirt. But take my word for it--I have looked great bald in so many of my winter outfits.

I'm pretty proud that I can write this today. Tomorrow I may want to cry about having no hair again, but today I like my bald look.

The Contentment Challenge--Day 7

It's the last day of the challenge, and I find myself back at the beginning, wanting to know what contentment really is. Is contentment a couch we settle into at the end of a busy yet satisfying day? Or is it more like a rest stop on a long road trip? Is contentment that "end" something I'm looking for, or is it a peace about not being ready for the next change just yet?

Being content with who I am does not and should not mean that I don't look for ways to become a more fully developed human, a better wife and mom, and a healthier woman. A self-professed contentment can easily become just the excuse I need to stop trying when things get hard. 

I have always lived in the gray bog that hangs between depression and elation. I enjoy life, but I'm not out to get thrills or conquer the world. Occasionally, I get really sad and stuck. Also occasionally, I dance around the house and cross off everything on my to-do list. But most of the time, I'm "content" to be a person who needs a lot of down time and has a small life.

But accepting myself this way keeps me from trying life another way--any other way.  

But the plot thickens when you add mental illness and special family needs to the mix. I have already been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, and I'm fairly sure I'm going to earn a place of the Bipolar spectrum. I don't say that lightly. It's just fact. So "contentment" and motivation to change are a little less...intentional, it seems. Then there's my family. A fragile person like me (I know I'm oversensitive--no shame here) is easily overwhelmed by having a child with ADHD. So my lack of motivation often feels like either recovery or reinforcement. 

So, contentment. It's hard for me to arrive at, maybe even harder to move forward from. My challenge today is to pursue contentment and growth at the same time. For me, this reflects the beauty of the living art that I am--beautiful in my frailty, beautiful in my potential, beautiful in who I am and who I can be. 

Find your contentment and imagine where you can go from there. 

The Contentment Challenge--Day 6

Lately, I have been feeling too small. I want to take photographs, but all I have is my little iPhone. I want to host big parties, but I can only get a couple people to come. I want to be a creative writer and get more readership for my blog, but it remains more like a journal for myself and a few faithful readers (thank you!). 

I have a small life, but at the end of the day I must actually want that, since I don't take steps to go above and beyond. I suppose I could put myself out there and find a job that put me in a position to help a lot of people. I could buy a new camera and study some photography books, maybe take some classes, and really develop my skills (pun intended). I could submit my blog to various blogger groups and spend money trying to promote it. 

But I would rather spend my time reading great books, meeting friends for lunch, playing My Little Pony Monopoly with my daughter, teaching English to an Ethiopian refugee, etc. Those are the moments that make me feel alive and content. So I need to stop dreaming about how "large" my life could be and get my magnifying glass out on the life I actually have. 

I am content with my grainy iPhone pictures, because they reflect my ability to capture beauty while I'm on the go. I am content with my little parties, because the planning process is fun and makes the party enjoyable for whoever does come. I am content with this blog because it has been important for me to process my hair loss, regardless of the size of my readership. 

So, are you content with the "size" of your life?

(Have you been enjoying this challenge? For more a extensive challenge to find contentment each day, check out the 100 Happy Days challenge if you haven't already seen it.) 

The Contentment Challenge--Day 5. The "selfie".

Last night I was in a local high school taking my daughter to swimming lessons at the pool there. I saw a poster on a wall for a "self-confidence" group for girls. They had posted a challenge called #ilovemyselfie. The challenge, which I will adopt as my challenge for today, is to tweet/post/Instagram a selfie with no edits or filters. A natural self-portrait.

This is actually a great challenge. And a really difficult one for me. Every selfie I've posted has been creatively styled so I can pass it off as art.  So I decided to take this challenge.

I took several selfies trying to find one that I was okay with posting. And I wondered what it meant to post a "natural" selfie. Should I take off the eyeliner and eyebrows? Should I wear a scarf like I usually do, or should I go bald? I want to look natural, but I also don't want to post an unnecessarily downplayed picture of a woman who has put no effort into how she looks. I'm not sure that's "natural".

So here's the pick:

No makeup, the cap I wear under my scarves (call me crazy, but I don't go bald when it's 7 degrees outside), no photo finishing apps that color my lips or thin out my cheeks.

I'm trying really hard not to write more about this picture and just say "I love my selfie".

If you're interested in more perspective about the "selfie" phenomenon, read here.