30 Days of Redefining Beauty-Day 10

This will be quick--it's way past my bedtime.

Today we (finally) had some snow on the ground, and I was in a friend's car when he decided to do doughnuts in the parking lot we were leaving. I don't think I've ever done that. It may sound hard to believe, but trust me--I was the biggest scaredy-cat (is that how you spell that?) around. I would have had a heart attack doing doughnuts in a car a few short years ago. Today I felt a bit exhilarated, if exhilaration is something you can feel just a bit of.

I also took my kids sledding today, and I was surprised at how impatient I was with their anxieties. We had a blast, but one time when they tumbled out and cried I actually laughed at them. Not to be mean, but it was pretty cute. I just kept thinking "Why are they being such wimps? I've got to show them how fun this is."

I didn't do anything daring today, but I was ready to. I was almost ready to step on a snowboard today. In my youth I was terrified of skiing, and while I had fun sledding, there were many instances where I was the solitary kid watching the thrills on the sidelines, held back by fear...and then tortured by regret at the thought that I missed out on the fun.

Today I was struck by how far I've come. It's a beautiful thing to let go of fears, whether you do so through talk therapy or medications. It was so fun to feel my heart beating fast with excitement rather than worry. I was a late bloomer, but I did bloom.

Have you recently recognized the beauty of maturing in some way? Or experiencing something you were afraid to experience in the past?

30 Days of Redefining Beauty-Day 9

Two moments of beauty today. And believe me, I need to dwell on them tonight.

Number 1: I took my daughter to the pet store and we watched all kinds of critters frolicking around (oh the things you can come up with on a freezing day in the city). I found myself really drawn to the textures on the animals' coats. There was this amazing dalmatian I couldn't stop looking at--aren't the patterns and contrasts on some animals just amazing?!

I also thoroughly enjoyed watching animals being groomed, losing what seemed to be pounds of matted, dirty hair and emerging so clean and light. Watching hair get shorn off relaxes me, what can I say.

Number 2: My daughter later had an old friend over for a play date. At six years old, an "old friend" means someone she hadn't seen since the end of kindergarten, last May. It was so beautiful watching her get all excited, then become almost painfully shy upon actually seeing her friend face to face, then lose all inhibitions and romp around with this girl like they were separated at birth. They really are two of a kind. It did my heart good to see my daughter interacting with another child in a way that clearly made her happy. And the changing moods and worlds of a young child are so fascinating to watch unfold.

So, puppies and kids being who they are. These things delighted me today. What delighted you today?

30 Days of Redefining Beauty-Day 8

I can't believe it's only Day 8 of this silly experiment. After a week of trying to find beauty in unexpected places I am already feeling tapped out, like anything I might say from here on in will be redundant. I suddenly feel that these posts have been irrelevant and time-consuming, nothing more. I could write about the changing sky today, or the storefront windows full of color I saw earlier. But those sentiments seem trite.

Instead I will write about how difficult it is to keep this blog going. I don't even know who reads this. Does it matter?

And yet...I keep typing. Today the beauty I see is in my commitments. I physically recoil at the thought of being obligated to do anything, but I also can't say "no". So I keep blogging, or I stay somewhere when there are a dozen other places I would rather be, and grumble. But I stay. (Most of the time.)

I think that's beautiful. Isn't there a parable in the Bible about how it's better to initially say you won't do something and then do it later, rather than say you will do it and end up dropping the ball?

Well, I have dropped the ball, MANY times. I'm beginning to learn, though, that following through with your commitments is a sign of maturity and integrity, two qualities I have longed to possess all my life. Sticking with something you said you would do is kind of a lost art these days. It's so easy to get out of relationships, delegate, outsource, and claim "self-care" as a method of avoidance. And those things are not always bad. But I do think that follow-through is one of those character-building values that doesn't have an immediate payoff--and thus goes against the grain of so much in our culture.

I will stick with it, most likely grumbling all the way, as long "it" is leading me toward wholeness and not annihilation.

30 Days of Redefining Beauty-Day 7

I work in a tutoring center on Wednesdays, and with no patrons at my station today I was able to listen in on the other study sessions. It was amazing. I heard words like "ionic bonding" and "differentials" spoken in the same way I would speak of my laundry; that is, familiar and personal. I was so impressed--and I wanted more than anything to be "on the inside", fluent in the languages they were speaking.

I suppose my line of work has its own jargon, the use of which puts me "on the inside". Words like "communicative approach", "competencies" and "voiceless alveolar stop" are a few that come to mind. I guess what I'm saying is it's a beautiful thing to know what you're talking about.

So I started wondering about areas of my life where I have inadequate vocabulary. There are feelings I experience but have no name for. There are attributes of God I can't describe in a single word. Actually, for an English teacher and a student of linguistics I have a pitifully small lexicon.

Maybe I will get the Merriam-Webster app on my phone so I can learn one new word everyday. Until then, I hope I can stay thirsty for language as a way to both express and experience beauty.

30 Days of Redefining Beauty-Day 6

While chatting with a friend today, I realized that I still get hung up on my flaws. I want to be flawless, and I think that I can't be loved if my flaws show.

Well, today I will attempt to see and describe the beauty in my flaws. I'll spare you, dear readers, by just sharing one.

I am horribly impatient. I feel like I want to jump out of my skin any time I have to wait for something. Most people don't know that about me--just my family, who bear the brunt of my impatience in the form of yelling, prodding, irritation and general meanness.

How in the world could this be beautiful? (This is going to be a stretch...)

1. I am not a lifeless blob. I am full of atomic energy.

2.

Well, that's as far as I can get tonight. Nothing else is coming to me. But hey, it's a start, right? For someone as steeped in self-judgment as I am, seeing even a little beauty in a major flaw is big news.

I challenge you to examine your flaws and appreciate them as distinct marks of humanity. Which just inspired me...

2. My impatience allows God to more fully and wonderfully demonstrate his peace and unhurried love.

Beautiful.

30 Days of Redefining Beauty-Day 5

It was so easy to see beauty today: in the rain, in my students, in the book I'm reading--everywhere. So I decided to challenge myself and look for beauty in places where I usually only see brokenness. I decided to look for beauty during my time with my kids after school. Sadly, our afternoons together are usually marked by stress, fighting, and struggle rather than joy and beauty. But today I made an effort to see good in my kids and in myself as we interacted.

And I found beauty in something that I tried today but have never been very good at: letting go. I was supposed to take my kids to their after-school park district activities today, but I didn't feel like battling my way through city traffic to get there late and leave early to rush to the other kid's site...so I blew it all off. I brought my kids home instead and made a plan that involved some early rounds of basketball (before the neighbors downstairs got home), some play-doh, and generous snacks. And it worked! My kids were delightful. I wasn't tense as my son did layups on the hardwood floor; I didn't once regret not taking them out to their sports activities; and I realized that not following the original schedule might actually serve us better at times. My kids are active and need activities, especially in the winter, but they also need the routine of coming home and being free to be themselves in a safe space.

I'm not saying I didn't experience any stress today, and this evening was certainly a test of my patience, but this afternoon was a lesson in learning to let go of my need to do everything I had planned to do and put the kids' "needs" first always. Today I tried to merge my needs with my kids' needs, and we made it work beautifully.

When was the last time you changed your plans or adjusted your schedule on a whim? How'd it go?

30 Days of Redefining Beauty: Day 4

Today I was struck by the beauty of what can happen when you open yourself up to people. A new friend spontaneously asked if she could hang out with me and my kids this afternoon, even though we haven't known each other very long. I was so glad she asked! We had a great time getting to know each other better.

Later this evening I met a great group of people from an organization called Traffick Free, as my husband was hosting a meeting in our home (which is why I was out for awhile with my kids and my new friend). After being at church this morning, attending a baby shower after church, getting to know a new friend this afternoon, and then meeting new people in my house tonight, you would think I would be exhausted right now.

The old me would have been. I used to see social encounters as barriers to my own free time. I dreaded going out; parties drained me. But now I get so refreshed and energized by being in community, whether new or familiar, that I would seriously consider communal living. I'm not kidding. There is something so freeing about learning how to be myself around people, even people I am meeting for the first time, and expecting that I will enjoy their company...and that they will enjoy mine. I never used to believe I had it in me to be social. But I see myself as part of the group now, whereas I used to be a wallflower.

What about you--are you drained or refreshed by social activity? Do you see community as a beautiful, organic thing, or simply a necessary part of living in this world?