Baldly selfish

Alopecia is selfish. It has a way of making life events and activities all about how it will look. Alopecia wants to flaunt itself but fears circumstances where it could be snubbed or rejected. Alopecia washes over joyous events with gray translucent paint, while highlighting in neon the times when we feel most disappointed or jealous.

My sister in law is pregnant. Seeing her pictures takes me back to my own swollen belly days. With my first, I was fascinated by every new movement. I was talking to the growing girl in my womb, my companion. I couldn't wait to get my pregnant belly full-grown.

Then, my body was hijacked by alopecia. With my second child, I was worried more about how my head looked on a pregnant body. I knew the sensations, I knew what to expect. But I didn't know how I would look as a bald expectant mother. What a contradiction--a woman who looks sick creating a healthy new life. I remember even worrying about how my son would look at me when he first opened his eyes. Without hair or eyebrows, I worried that he would fail to recognize signs of his mother's face, a face that should bear basic human characteristics.

With both pregnancies, I wanted to look like this:

(http://www.hartshornportraiture.com/portrait-gallery/pregnancy-photography/)

Although I had hair during my first pregnancy, it was of the short, frizzy, frumpy variety. (Sadly, those pictures were taken before we went digital. I'm sure I could dig them out of a box, but...)Despite my concerns, I think I looked way better as a bald pregger, actually. Not that I ever allowed pictures of myself bald...

 

 

 

 

 

Not the goddess on the beach, but my own pregnancy. And cute, I think--looking back on these five years later!

 

This is just one example of how I can feel fine about my baldness until I see a woman who seems to exude feminine beauty--and this is often due to her hair. That, and body shape. Oh, and I guess a great backdrop helps, too.

 

Once I see a photo of a woman that makes me feel diminished in my womanly features, I really have to work hard to get out of the funk and accept the features I was born with, having no choice in the matter. I have to acknowledge her beauty and wish for good health to continue for her, and then show some TLC to my own body and story.

 

I'm proud to say that, while the frequency of these jealous moments is no less than it ever was (let's face it, even before my alopecia), the duration of those negative feelings ("I hope her hair falls out") is not nearly as long as it used to be.

 

This reminds me of a future post. Winter has its banes for baldies: having to pile on thick layers of fabric on our heads to keep from freezing, no matter how heavy, etc. Now summer is coming soon, hopefully bringing heat with it. I don't know about other alopecians, but summer makes me anxious. How will I deal with swimming? Will my drawn-on eyebrows smear in the heat? Should I go bald to church picnics and Zumba class? More to come on this....

 

It's all about the baldness. Alopecia is so selfish.