Being totally vulnerable here. I have been on anti-depressants for years. As long as I can remember, anxiety and negativity have been my shadows. The meds never quite got me to where I wanted to be, so a couple weeks ago my doctor recommended a new tactic: a mood stabilizer. With bipolar disorder in the family history, I decided to try it. (By the way, the decision to go on meds came after and has been accompanied by years of therapy, prayer, and attempts at lifestyle changes.)
The last week has been a nightmare. Yelling, crying, throwing things, traumatized children, the works. Yesterday, after another yelling match and mild physical tussle with my wonderfully strong-willed daughter (whose life companion is ADHD) and my increasingly assertive son, I started crying and apologizing, yet again. I started into a lengthy explanation of how my brain is not well and I am waiting for my special medicine to start working so I don't get upset so easily, etc.
My daughter stopped, looked at me with a look in her eyes I don't think I've ever seen before, and said "You're perfect."
I looked at her, and I must have had a question in my eyes because she went on: "I mean, sometimes you're not perfect but mostly you look perfect to me."
Take this from my story and others I've written about my children's perspective on my hair loss and life in general: If you're going to listen to anyone and take to heart what any other person says about you, let it be a child. We all know how innocently brutal children can be with their honest perceptions, but even with the flaws they see, they can name perfection when they see it. Their definition of perfection is so different from ours. Maybe I'm generalizing when really my moment with my daughter was unique--but I'm getting the feeling that kids are our best mirrors. Yes, we see the worst in ourselves reflected back through their hurts and shame. But that's something we all have to accept as-is. Because we also see reflected in their eyes a wonder at the capacity for love we all carry. We see a reflection of ourselves at our most carefree, our most dependent, and our most undiluted lovely.
Wow... she never ceases to amaze me with her truth and her sharp mind. And you are indeed perfect! It takes so much more to accept ourselves than it does for our loved ones to accept us. Which says alot don't you think?
ReplyDeleteI agree, Dawn. We are so hard on ourselves. We aren't that hard on others, are we? Don't we give them room and rationalize with others? We certainly need to with us. Children do say exactly how they see it. I adore what Esther told you, Wendy! Because it's SO very true. Remember this, you are doing the best with what is on your plate. I don't believe I would be handling quite as well. The bad moments seem to hang over all the good, but looking back you'll see all the good. I was told once the good remains in our memories while the bad disapates some. Yeah,,, now I can say that it's really true! --MOM
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